TALKING slippers - whatever will they think of next?

That was the reaction of a reader in Ayr when he heard two women chatting in a local shop with one of them stating: "Aye, he's stertit wearin' a dressin' goon. Goodness, it'll be a cravat next". To which her laughing friend replied: "Aye, an' monologued slippers".

MARGIE Dee tells us: "While in Fife last week, I noticed a car barrelling down the M90 and sporting the number plate A9SUX. Given the weather conditions, I thought it only appropriate."

A PIECE of daftness from Dougie McNicol in Bridge of Weir who, when recalling his school days, told us: "Our school football team was dire. It reached its lowest point when during a training session the team came across a hibernating hedgehog and began to play football with it. By the time the SSPCA arrived, the hedgehog was winning 3 - 0."

FINISHED the Christmas present buying yet? John Mulholland was perusing the latest electronic tablet being marketed and explains: "Tesco has found that sales of its Hudl tablet in Glasgow are skewed as it's only being purchased by Celtic fans. The Rangers Mudl is now being considered."

AND a reader was in a bookshop full of Christmas shoppers when the customer in front asked for a particular diet book which had been advertised widely, but the shop was sold out. The assistant said they could order her a copy, but it could be after Christmas before it arrived. Fortunately the customer was not too annoyed as she replied: "Perfect. I'll have a lot of chocolate to eat over Christmas anyway."

OTHER folk are planning to go abroad for Christmas to avoid all the mayhem. A Bearsden reader tells us he was in America last Christmas where he was in a pool with other holidaymakers in which there were some dolphins. The chap in charge was explaining that they weren't to touch the dolphins, merely to let them swim around them.

As this was being explained he heard a distinctly Glasgow accent ask for elucidation: "So a bit like being in a lap dancing club?"

THE Christmas competition is to change one letter in a film title to make a more interesting film.

Croy - epic story of a lost civilisation (Duncan Beaton).

Mrs Frown - Nicola Sturegeon is introduced to the Queen (John Mulholland)

Pie Hard - lone avenger deals out retribution when he discovers half-time snacks not up to standard (Peter McMahon)

Dove Actually - battle to establish pigeon fanciers group in Bearsden (David Corstorphine).

Last in Translation - Scots pupils fail to do well in modern languages (John Aitchison).

Meal for two in the refurbished Western Club restaurant for the winner and a copy of the new Diary book, Another Stoater, for the runner-up.

LOTS of Christmas parties on the go just now. A reader in Glasgow heard a classic line in a Glasgow pub when one drunken reveller asked a woman for her phone number. "Have you got a pen?" she asked sweetly. When he answered enthusiastically in the affirmative she told him: "Will the farmer not be worried you've escaped from it?"

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "Shop assistants are so rude at this time of year. I asked one if they had any DVDs about people stranded on a desert island. She told me to get lost."