A CHAP from Glasgow, now living in the rural south of England, tells us he applied for planning permission with his local council to have a bothy built on his land.

The application was rewritten by the council to read "farm workers' rest room with store". Why use one word when you can use six, he ponders.

Cursing the data

WE mentioned the sad death of neurosurgeon-turned-politician Sam Galbraith. A former medical colleague tells us Sam was upbraided by a tutor after shouting out "B*******!" during his lecture. The tutor suggested that was hardly the right response. Sam replied: "OK then. The quality of your data is suspect."

Midnight hour

A MATURE west-ender in Glasgow who has just arrived back from a holiday in Magaluf was told by a friend that she was surprised at the holiday destination as she always thought it had a poor reputation for being full of drunken youngsters. Our west-ender replied: "Actually the beach there is lovely, and between nine in the morning and four in the afternoon it's pretty quiet. The Buckfast, spliffs and condoms only kick in around midnight."

We can't help thinking what a great tourism slogan that could make for the resort.

Here's to Shug

CRIME writer Gordon Brown gets in touch about the naming of the vast new hospital being built in Glagow.

Says Gordon: "In the spirit of Glasgow renaming architecture - Clyde Arc becoming Squinty Bridge, Clyde Auditorium becoming Armadillo, how long before the new South Glasgow University Hospital - the SGUH, becomes SHUG or Shuggie to his mates."

Cheeky food

OUR story of the Lanarkshire diner offering "crispy dug leg" on its menu reminds a reader of the yarn: "Diner in a posh restaurant calls the waiter over and says he is shocked and disgusted that it is offering smoked squirrel cheeks on the menu. The waiter goes over to the owner and tells him: "Stupid printers forgot to translate the menu into French."

High aspirations

WORD from Holywood is that the Albert Hitchcock classic The Birds is to be remade. Stevie Campbell in Hamilton wonders if it will star Russell Crowe and Steven Seagull now that Walter Pidgeon and Gregory Peck are no longer with us.

Sizing it up

A COLLEAGUE deconstructs the Cinderella story and tells us: "It's the story of a wealthy man with a foot obsession who will only wed women with a very specific shoe size." Take all the fun out of it, why don't you.

Face the music

FAR more lyrical was Police Scotland this week which was giving advice on their Twitter account to music lovers going to the outdoor festival in Bellahouston Park in Glasgow. It said: "Dress appropriately for the weather at Glasgow Summer Sessions, and stick with friends. Romeo and Juliet always stuck together."

It didn't exactly end well for Romeo and Juliet, but nice try anyway.

The plague

WE mentioned how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens on the ark. Peter McMahon says: "I blame Noah for the plague of midges we suffer in Scotland. If he had used a rolled-up newspaper he could have solved the misery of the many years I've spent camping as a Scout, and now a leader, and done wonders for the tourism industry in Scotland, literally, at a stroke."