FORMER England international player Terry Butcher is the bookies' favourite to return as manager of Motherwell.

We remember when Terry left the Lanarkshire side last time and took a managerial job in Sydney. Asked by the local paper about training facilities in Scotland, Terry fondly recalled: "At Motherwell we trained at a public park where the best bit of equipment we had was the shovel to get rid of the dog dirt off the pitch." No wonder he can't wait to come back.

A DIVORCED Glasgow woman was being encouraged by her pals to fill in her details on an internet dating site. She was heard telling them: "What's my type? Someone who is supportive, someone who is warm, someone I can just curl up and relax with. "Wait, I'm describing my bed again."

TOILET tales continued. We're not quite sure how to take it that Hugh Steele tells us his "story is so old I wouldn't be surprised if The Diary has used it before." But leaving that aside, Hugh says: "It comes from the days when the Clyde was bustling with ships from all around the world. An American sailor on a spot of shore leave, going along the quayside, stopped one of the dockers and asked him, 'Can you tell me where the urinal is?' 'Don't know, pal', the docker replied. 'How many funnels has she got?'"

QUITE a cup shock in the football the other night. Says Ian Duff in Inverness: "Hawaii is a holiday destination best avoided by Rangers fans for a while, I fear. It can't be easy to put up with everyone smiling at you and intoning Aloha at every step."

ALISON Campbell in Portobello visited London last week where she had lunch in the city's highest skyscraper, The Shard. She tells us: "The Aqua-shard restaurant is on the 31st floor with great views over the city. The chaps in our party reported that the wall behind the urinals is the outside glass wall of the building, so that any low-flying aircraft or drone would have an intriguing view. I don't know if The Shard has yet been dubbed the Eyeful Tower, but surely it can't be long now."

READER George Geddes tells us: "Predictive texting on your mobile phone is frustrating but sometimes amusing. A friend sent me a text to say that trains through Glasgow Central Low Level were delayed. According to his message, this was due to a 'sing along failure'. The mind boggles."

AN update on the correct use of language from Moose Allain who explains: "The phrase is no longer 'it's political correctness gone mad'. You now have to say, 'it's political correctness with mental health issues'."

NOT sure what to make of a survey by household appliance company Vorwerk which shows that 30% of Scots wish they could get rid of red wine stains in carpets which is twice as high as for the rest of the UK. So that either shows we Scots are very house-proud - or we spill a lot of wine.

OUR Christmas competition is to create a new enticing film by changing just one letter in an existing opus.

*Maws. Women over 40 terrorising beach-goers with ill-fitting swimming costumes. (Kevin McKenna).

*Trainspitting. Bleak UK drama about unemployed youths on a railway bridge. (Harry Shaw).

*Trading Plates. Dan Akroyd sells Eddie Murphy a dodgy motor. (Charlie Neill).

*Vocal Hero - an ageing Scots politician comes to the aid of 'No' campaign. (David Will).

A meal for two in the splendid new restaurant in the Western Club in Royal Exchange Square for the winner, and a copy of the new Diary book, It's A Stoater, for the runner-up. Keep sending.