ALWAYS a nervous time, the birth of your first child.

As a Glasgow reader tells us: "With the impending arrival of my first grandchild, my son-in law was asked by the midwife if he wished to cut the umbilical cord after the birth. After pondering for a moment he replied, 'I'm a roofer, and I really wouldn't want a doctor fixing my roof, so I'll just leave it to doctor'."

Striking a chord

SCOTT Ian, guitarist with New York heavy metal band Anthrax, was on a speaking tour, telling tales about being in a band, which was filmed when he appeared at The Arches in Glasgow. Thus the DVD Swearing Words in Glasgow will be released next month. Good to know what the city's famous for. A fan recalls Scott talking at The Arches about the strange things people come up to say to him. The shaven-headed and bearded Scott explained: "This guy says to me, 'I know you - you're in a band. What band is it again?' So I tell him, Anthrax. He still stares at me, shakes his head, and says, 'No, that's not it'."

On the record

WHAT'S happening in the world of politics, a reader asks. Well former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read has written a song about the Ukip party entitled Ukip Calypso, and there is much chatter about whether it will top the charts. However, as James Martin puts it: "Less of an issue if the Ukip Calypso gets to Number One - we should be more worried about party leader Nigel Farage getting to Number 10."

Absolutely barking

AND, after 16 and 17-year-olds being given the vote in the referendum, reader Tom Dibble tells us a group of dog walkers in Bishopbriggs were discussing whether it should now apply in general elections. One of the group piped up that dogs should be given the vote. When she was asked to explain, she said: "Well the dog was the only one in the house who got excited when they put referendum leaflets through the letter-box."

Sway to go, Judy

GOOD to see Judy Murray still surviving in Strictly Come Dancing. A reader attending the exuberant Frankie Valli musical Jersey Boys at Edinburgh's Playhouse Theatre tells us: "Judy was sitting in the front row of the circle with her pal, and when everyone started to sway in their seats to the music I could see Judy's mate was a great mover, but Judy was as awkward as a puppet with its strings cut. Hopefully the Jersey Boys will inspire her on Strictly."

Mind yer language

GLASGOW writer Allan Morrison has just published the book Goanae No Dae That! which explains Scottish sayings. In the chapter entitled Love we like the saying "It's nae use spilin' twa hooses" which Allan explains as: "Difficult people should just marry each other rather than causing problems in some other marriage." And the enigmatic "Never marry a widow unless her first husband wis hanged" means "Sometimes it is difficult to follow a caring and loving first husband".

Incidentally, talking of books, the latest Diary compilation, It's a Stoater, is en route to the shops, so that's your Christmas shopping taken care of. Possibly.

A clean sweep

AN Ayrshire reader passes on the wise words of a friend after a mutual acquaintance told them that her husband occasionally walked in his sleep, and she didn't know what to do about it.

"Put a Hoover in his hand," her pal suggested.