THE surge in support for the SNP has agitated the more conservative sections of England.

As a reader from Cornwall spluttered in the Daily Telegraph's letters page yesterday: "I recently spent the night in an English inn in the heart of Somerset. Included in the 'classic breakfast' was haggis. Is this a sign of things to come?"

AND for political anoraks who remember the minutiae of the referendum just a few months ago, a reader tells us: "Why are we still guessing on what the outcome of the General Election will be? Postal votes have already begun, so surely Tory leader Ruth Davidson can give us a running score of the totals?"

OUR tales of inaccuracies written about Scotland remind Linda FitzGerald in Killin of being in Florida when she noticed that the fanciful National Enquirer magazine had the eye-catching headline "Loch Ness Monster is Found Alive!". Says Linda: "Of course I had to buy it. Turns out that our favourite Scottish monster was found wandering on the shores of Loch Ness, was captured, and rushed by road on a trailer to Glasgow - a one-hour drive away. The 'inaccuracy' is of course in the timing to drive to Glasgow from Loch Ness - not that the Loch Ness Monster isn't alive."

BIG losses announced for Tesco. They'll have to sell a lot of packets of Corn Flakes to make up a £6bn shortfall. Our man with a shopping trolley tells us: "They are having to change their 'Every Little Helps' slogan on their stores. It will now read 'Every Lidl Hurts'."

GOOD to see RAB C Nesbitt star Gregor Fisher returning to the King's Theatre panto in Glasgow in this winter's production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It was over 30 years ago that Gregor appeared there in Panto with Rikki Fulton and Jack Milroy in Babes in the Wood. We're pleased that Gregor has forgiven the King's. In those days there was spare ground beside the theatre where Gregor parked his BMW every night - until someone nicked it while he was on stage. "It's behind you - oh wait, no it isn't!" as passers-by may or may not have shouted when Gregor came out to drive home.

ANOTHER tenuous mention of the election. Susan Stewart, former director of communications for YesScotland has recently become the proud owner of a tiny kitten. As she explained on social media: "Ah, spell check.... Just sent Jeane a text to tell her Tosca the cat is in full manic mode. But phone changed 'toy' to 'Tory' so Jeane will wonder what's happening in the flat since I told her 'every single wee Tory is being chased and thrown about'."

MAXINE Jones, who is doing stand-up at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year, should have been writing her show but got distracted by applying to appear on Channel 4's Countdown, that great favourite of pensioners, students and the unemployed. She tells us that she got accepted, but dashing off to the airport to take part, she lost part of a tooth. Says Maxine: "Amazingly, my middle son found the bit of tooth on the ground and texted me to say he was keeping it in milk in case it could be bonded back on. Unlikely. Then he texts to say the youngest son had drunk it. And he expected me to believe him."

How did she get on at the show, we ask. "I was relieved I didn't score zero," she replies enigmatically.

UPDATING Glasgow's verse about the fish that never swam etc. Says Mike Ritchie: "It's sunny just now, so a seasonal offering, 'The taps that won't stay on'."

And for Celtic fans who need to dry their eyes about that cup semi-final, Allan Morrison suggests: "The referee that didn't blow. The 5th official that didn't see.

The SFA that didn't chide."

STILL a couple of days left at the Aye Write! book festival at Glasgow's Mitchell Library. After James Morton's baking demonstration - he wrote the book Great British Bake Off - a woman was overheard as she left declaring: "It feels quite decadent eating chocolate cake in a library!"