NOTICE how the Italian term barista is being used more frequently?

Derek Livingston tells us: "Having been admitted to the bar, my son was signing up for a flat, and when the agent asked him his occupation he replied, ''Barrister'. He was subsequently somewhat bemused when he received a copy of the form completed by the agent. Beside the word 'Occupation' was 'works in coffee shop'."

CHRISTMAS tales continued. Stephen Skirving tells us: "Whilst at Port Glasgow High School in the late 1970s, a fellow pupil,

Douglas McNicol, switched the letters above the serving hatches in the school canteen. It originally said 'Happy Christmas' and now read 'This Crappy Mash'."

Curiously Douglas is a contributor to the Diary so his love of the absurd still remains.

TOILET rolls continued. Says Floris Greenlaw in Beauly: "Years ago visiting friends in Glasgow's west end, who were in the middle of redecorating their tenement flat, I was sitting on the pedestal when I saw what I assumed to be toilet paper out of the corner of my eye.

"I grabbed the end of it, and pulled a fair length of wallpaper off the wall. Thankfully my hosts seemed amused and grateful for a little assistance."

YOU have to feel sorry for the lovely Michelle McManus playing a pirate in the Pavilion's swashbuckling panto Treasure Island. As she tells us: "At the weekend I had to watch a wee boy in the front row of the matinee performance constantly mouth the words to me, 'you make me sick' while pretending to stick his fingers down his throat, the little darling."

EVER get tired of grown-ups using the childish term "five sleeps" when referring to the number of days to a big event? We prefer the remark of Oonagh Keating who said: "Six more sleeps until I lose my job as a night security guard."

OUR Christmas competition is to change a letter of a film to make it more interesting.

The Jings Speech - Scottish Government plans to have old Scots language taught in schools (Frank Bendoris).

Back to the Suture - Patient's keyhole surgery goes badly wrong (Joe Stirling).

Goodbye Mr Chibs - Hunt for a Glasgow hit-man (David Donaldson).

Bands of Iwo Jima - John Wayne storms ashore only to kind the Larkhall Flute Band has already taken the island.

Grief Encounter - Man meets a woman at Central Station only to discover it's his ex-wife (David Perrie).

Meal for two at the refurbished Western Club in Glasgow for the winner, and the new Diary book, Another Stoater, for the runner-up.

DAFT Christmas joke from Nick Kay. "I phoned Claims Direct after the last office Christmas party and told them I'd had an accident at work, and wanted compensation, just like they said in their advert. They asked what happened. I told them that Sue in HR had said she was on the pill."

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "Here's a tip for football managers. Next time you try to sign a player and his club says they'll only accept 'silly money' for the player, offer them chocolate coins."

Pic capt:

You know how it is, you buy your aunty a long-tailed macaque as a holiday souvenir, and at the last minute you change your mind. As spotted in Bali.