A BIT of a do at the House of Commons yesterday. For an explanation we turn to writer Michael Gray who says: "'Miss The Queen's Speech? Just imagine your granny reading out a Daily Mail editorial at a fancy dress party in Downton Abbey."

OH and the polis being called in at Fifa's headquarters in Switzerland. A few folk suggested: "Are they changing their name to Thiefa?" And a reader phones to ask: "When the officials were arrested, did they throw themselves to the ground and pretend to be injured?"

WE mentioned language difficulties not solely being an issue with foreigners. As Russell Smith in Kilbrinie tells us: "My English son-in-law working in Scotland was puzzled to be told on the phone by a father explaining that his son's absence was due to the fact that his 'boay hud been lifted'. Those versed in the vernacular had to explain to him that the young man was helping the police with their enquiries."

DAVID Mathie in Uddingston is in a phone shop in Glasgow when a fellow customer explains: "I wonder if you could help me? I have managed to get my phone stuck in German." Says David: "The assistant immediately says, 'Oh scheisse!' It makes you wonder how many bright young graduates are wasted, festering in retail outlets?"

OUR first mention of midges this summer reminds Matt Vallance of his teenage years in pre-season training with Junior football side Lugar Boswell Thistle, when a player complained about the midges swarming around their heads. "Whatever you do," said trainer Jimmy Thom, "don't kill one - or another 10,000 will arrive for the funeral."

THE Highers are almost over in Scottish schools. One father saw his anxious daughter studying and told her: "Cheer up! School days are the best days of your life."

"You mean it gets worse than this?" she replied.

CONGRATULATIONS to Herald staff for producing a bumper 124-page anniversary edition of glossy pull-out Scotland's Homes yesterday. The only snag was the heavier weight confused a few supermarket self-checkouts where some readers putting their Herald down with a thump got the message: "Unexpected item in bagging area." We only hope that staff immediately came to their aid, rather than having innocent Herald readers searched by zealous security guards wondering if they were trying to sneak through a packet of Pan Drops or whatever without paying.

FOSTER Evens notices on social media that BBC Scotland comedy series writer and performer Limmy triumphantly announced that his team had won the pub quiz in a Glasgow west end bar. On the same evening, political writer Gerry Hassan who is never off the telly also triumphantly announced: "Amazed by pub quiz nite at The Bungo, and our scratch team combo of seven called neves (seven backwards) who on their debut won! Humbled etc!"

Quite rightly Foster argues: "Can't they let ordinary folk have a chance?" Any other pub quiz stories we should know about?

RELATIONSHIOPS, of course, can be difficult. Edinburgh stand-up Ben Verth hears a young chap walking down the road while on his phone: "Yeah, yeah, well the problem with my girlfriend is she's too supportive."