AS the electioneering slowly begins, Tom Law recalls canvassing in the West End of Glasgow where he was about to wend his way up a steep path in Broomhill when he heard some growling over the gate.
When he spotted the snarling bulldog, he then heard the owner shout out: "Winston! Leave him alone!" So Tom thought it was pretty safe to put the lady down as a Conservative voter, and save the dangerous trip up the path.
DONALD Macdonald was perusing a Facebook page about Bishopbriggs where local shopkeeper Amjid Majid commented: "An older woman says to me, 'You'll be loving this weather - I bet it reminds you of back home.' I says, 'Well I was only five when I left Wolverhampton, so I can't really remember it'."
GOSH, just like the old days with a sit-down demo at Faslane protesting at Trident nuclear missiles. Difference this time is folk can also use social media to make their points. As Scottish Green leader Patrick Harvie put it: "Absurdly early start this morning; off to the Faslane blockade. If we ever do scrap Trident at least I'll never have to get up this early." Good point Patrick!
And Still Game writer Greg Hemphill mused: "Austerity, food banks,1.5 trillion debt, child poverty. Using Trident to protect U.K is like using 1000 attack dogs to guard a soup kitchen."
SCHOOL holidays, and we bump into a trainee primary teacher who tells us she had an examiner checking how she was getting on. She swears to us that the examiner was impressed at all the children putting their hand up to answer a question from her at the end of the lesson. The trick she says, in order to impress the examiner, was telling the kids beforehand to put their right hand up if they knew the answer, and their left hand up if they didn't. That way the class looked as though they had learned from the teacher, who wisely knew only to ask a child with their right hand up for the answer.
TALKING of school, a Clarkston reader said he heard a young lad on the bus into town tell his pal: "Had a terrible time at school before we broke up for the Easter holidays. First I had tonsillitis, and if that wasn't bad enough, then I got psoriasis." Our reader was feeling quite sorry for him until he added: "Hardest spelling test they've ever given us."
FUNNY how all the school stories come out when the little ones are having a break. Gordon Rigby tells us of his primary school neighbour, who takes primary seven, going into school with a Dougal from the Magic Roundabout which her young daughter had made out of a toilet roll tube and wool. Adds Gordon: "She gave it to the Primary One teacher in her school, who then asked her class, 'Mrs Marner has given us this. Who knows what it is?' 'Dougal from the Magic Roundabout' came the reply. So the teacher pressed on, 'Does anyone know who Mrs Marner is?' 'Is that the cow with the spots?' suggested one child."
OUR mention of wedding speeches reminds a reader in Rhu: "There was the groom whose monologue ran, 'I'm told these speeches should last as long as it takes to make love. So, in conclusion...'."
SINGER Elaine Page will help judge 12 student finalists from UK drama schools who are competing next month for the title of Stephen Sondheim Society Student Performer of the Year. Our contact in the cheap theatre seats tells us: "The acronym which they use, Sssspoty, is a little unfortunate for teenage performers surely?"
THE death of leading German novelist and Nobel prizewinner Gunter Grass reminds Moose Allain of the old gag: "I just saw someone steal a copy of The Tin Drum from the bookshop!" "Gunter Grass?" "Nah, it's their lookout."
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