Giraffe
Tesco
Silverburn Shopping Centre
Barrhead Road
Glasgow
0141 881 1026
Menu: Like all the most exotic ingredients and all the coolest dishes in the world on one, er, chain restaurant menu. Burgers, too. Hugely unconvincing. Yawn. 3
Atmosphere: Relaxing 60s lounge feel to its vast space, somewhat spoiled by mad Spanish music and distinct lack of customers. 3
Service: Young, enthusiastic, though it was as dead as a dodo when we were in. 4
Price: Pricey. Far too pricey for a restaurant with identity problems that's owned by a supermarket chain. Especially considering the competition. 2
Food: All the buzz ingredients, none of the buzz flavours. Instead of trying show off shouldn't Tesco be showcasing what they actually sell in the store? 4
So the waiter's kind of hip and says, "let's hear it" when he takes the order and if he had added "daddy-o" I wouldn't have been at all surprised. Because there's a definite 60s lounge feel to Giraffe with its stripes and swooshes and long tan couches. Two of the waiting staff tonight even have hip blondey-orange hair that fits in with the branding - hopefully accidentally.
We have a dish of chicken pot stickers; crisp, dim-sum with orange, carrot and miso glaze which are actually OK. Not so impressed with the bland breaded shrimp simply because I can't be bothered nipping to the tools aisle next door for a chisel. But we have time whilst mulling over what was actually a pretty decent stab at a nuoc cham chilli sauce to wonder where all the customers are tonight.
The staff outnumber us about two to one which is surprising because this is apparently Black Friday weekend at Silverburn and you'd think people would take a break from punching seven Christmas bells out of each other and come to try Giraffe's global fare.
Perhaps, and I only venture this as a wild guess, Giraffe here is just a tad pricey considering everyone knows it's now Tesco's in-house restaurant chain - bought for £48m last year. There's even an entrance inside the superstore - beside the fag counter. Such is our obsession with food and so vast the profits from the slickest middle-market chains that even global giants now apparently want a slice of Jamie's and co's pie. Coolio.
You'd imagine, though, that Tesco's marketing experts would have ventured a few feet into the mall over there to check out Nando's - currently said to be the coolio-est of the coolio. I mention this because not only was it full when we passed earlier, unlike Giraffe, but it seems considerably cheaper.
Anyway, this comfortable Giraffe decor stops abruptly when you go through that door over there to the toilets and find yourself in the concrete gloom of backstage superstoreland. The whole Andy Williams lounge vibe is also somewhat undermined by the extremely loud and odd music this evening with eeyahs and yaeees and general shrill shrieks sounding like a troupe of flamenco dancers being slow roasted over the microwave - sorry charcoal grill - through the back.
The food? We're coming to that. Even the most corporate accountant can turn on the telly, see wall-to-wall food porn and realise that nobody is getting away with the grey Stalinist cack they used to sell in restaurants not unlike the Tesco canteen that recently occupied this space. Hence this menu is full of buzz ingredients; hummus with za'atar, harissa; piri-piri chicken - I bet Nando's aren't quaking in Cuban heels at that one - glazed sesame buns; thai duck, tofu, California sushi rice. It's like an edible Bob Geldolf, meets the rainforest meets Anita Roddick. My Penang-Bang Chicken Salad promises shredded chicken, chopped peanuts, bok choy, snap peas, mint and coriander with a spicy thai lime, chilli and ginger dressing. Phew. Except...there are no peanuts in it and the chicken is actually sliced. That bang, bang dressing? Putt-putt. It tastes like a variant of ketchup. Veggie and kale enchilladas look like a cow-pat in a box. They are grey and unappetising and when opened up consist largely of broccoli with none of the promised tomatillo salsa and if there are "crunchy, munchy omega rich seeds" in there we can't spot them.
The Milanese Chicken Linguine is overcooked while the schnitzel - they call it that - tastes fried in butter and soggy. At least the burger's not bad. But it is £11.60. And herein lies the nub of the problem. The starters were £6, the mains mostly about £12. There's nothing wrong with Tesco opening restaurants. But if we expect one thing from supermarket chains it's value for money. And this ain't it. Oh, and why not cook what you sell?
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