Poor old Kirsty Wark eh?
All that insightful, finger-jabbing political analysis and those chin-stroking, cultural critiques down the seasons and she'll probably end up being best remembered for the well-publicised nomination of her latest novel in the 'Bad Sex in Fiction' category.
The Tuesday column would never plumb such literary lows. And even if this correspondent attempted to illuminate the weekly haverings with a subtle sprinkling of mild, humdrum erotica, this bumbling, ill-advised deviation would be awkwardly apparent from the outset given that I always thought the erogenous zones were a series of sparsely populated islands and atolls dotted about the South China Seas.
By all accounts, Wark's wordy wanderings make for a fairly excruciating experience. Rather like watching, and indeed playing, golf these days.
Pace of play - and by that we mean a speed of movement that sits somewhere between coastal erosion and the progress of the pilgrims - remains the festering plook on golf's gently moisturised complexion.
Over in the USA, they are currently mulling over the findings from the latest Pace of Play Symposium, which, by its very name, sounds like an extremely slow, yawn-inducing palaver. The Royal & Ancient, meanwhile, are gathering the findings from a pace of play survey. One idea that was tossed into the American pot was a wireless flagstick, a hi-tech contraption that will record the pace of groups.
Once the 'flag' is pulled from the hole and dropped back in again, the timing information is sent to a central database that is monitored by the golf club. And how much will this cost? "It will be affordable," said a spokesman with the kind of financial vagueness you'd tend to get in the Barras Market.
Other findings revealed that the average round length on the LPGA Tour in 2014 decreased by 14 minutes, a consequence in part of officials adjusting tee-time intervals from 10 minutes to 11 minutes in an attempt to reduce the possibility of a bottleneck when groups get stacked up. Overall, this decreased the time by five minutes. It's hardly a hurtle round the parish but it's a small step in the right direction for an issue that continues to cripple the game at all levels.
The way folk play the game is largely influenced by what they absorb on television at the top level. The professional round in excess of five hours - despite the ball watchers and general assistance at every turn - remains the infuriating norm.
For reasons unknown to man, the simple solutions, like doling out penalty strokes to players on the tours for repeat offending, are still not vigorously adopted. It is baffling to think, for instance, that the last penalty stroke given to a player on a regular PGA Tour event was back in 1995. Guan Tianlang, the Chinese teenager, was docked a shot during the 2013 Masters for his painful creeping but many viewed that one as a case of going for the easy target.
There needs to be robust enforcement at the elite level. At the basic level, it's about education. There are countless club golfers, for example, who are still not ready to play when it's their turn. Etiquette remains the bricks and mortar of the game but many are largely clueless as to what their responsibilities are on the course.
Is there anything worse, for example, as the defiant thrasher who insists on finishing the hole during a carefree hitabout when they really should have picked up after the ninth swipe at the ball some 50 yards from the green? Of course, you're allowed to play bad golf - most of us have mastered that particular art - but courtesy and respect for others is key.
There are plenty of other pursuits that people, particularly the young, can enjoy without spending half their time standing about watching the remorseless plooterings ahead of them. That's one of the reasons why folk are leaving the game in their droves. It will take more than a yearly symposium to get them back.
AND ANOTHER THING
After 49 events spread across 26 countries, the European Tour's Race to Dubai roars to the chequered flag this week. Well, sort of. With Rory McIlroy already crowned the European No.1, the grandstand finish to the campaign that tour officials would have been hoping for won't be happening in Dubai. Having won back-to-back majors, a WGC event and the flagship BMW PGA Championship this season, though, we can just sit back and celebrate the dominant majesty of McIlroy in 2014.
AND FINALLY
The last time this scribe spoke to Javier Ballesteros was after an 81 in the qualifying round of the Amateur Championship in June. "I hope my future is in golf," he said after a trying day at the office. The future for the son of Seve will be the professional scene, having joined the paid ranks at the weekend. "I would have loved him to see me turning pro," said Javier of his late, great father.
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