You know, he touched many people." - Roger Federer on Michael Jackson. He was acquitted of those charges, Roger.

You know, he touched many people." - Roger Federer on Michael Jackson. He was acquitted of those charges, Roger.

The University of Queensland has carried out extensive tests on the university's footballers and discovered' that natural talent rather than athletic ability is key.

Dr Robbie Wilson revealed the incredible findings at the Society of Experimental Biology's annual meeting in Glasgow yesterday: "There was no evidence of any correlations between maximal athletic performance and skill."

The Sports Diary could have saved Dr Wilson some work: all he had to do was go down the road to Brisbane Roar and watch Charlie Miller to prove that there is no correlation between skill and athletic performance.

BOBBY WILLIAMSON and sodomy; not two images you want in your head at once. But thanks to the Ugandan FA . . .

They have declared war on gays after reports in the local media that homosexuality, which is illegal there, was "infiltrating" football.

"We totally condemn it," said a FUFA spokesman. Williamson may now have to sign a form condemning gays to keep his job as national manager. In apparently unrelated news, FIFA trumpeted their eighth Anti-Discrimation Days last week.

Meanwhile, straight Aberdeen man Peter Cumming has signed up with gay side Stormers FC after failing to get a game elsewhere. "I thought it might be awkward, but it's not. It's really enjoyable," he said. He was talking about the football.

DENILSON was once the world's most expensive footballer when Real Betis paid Sao Paulo £21.5m for him, but is surely also the world's most disappointing.

He was a flop for Betis, turned down the chance to play Champions League football with Bordeaux in order to fill his boots in Saudi Arabia (15 games), then swanned about Dallas on a bumper MLS contract (seven games).

At the start of June, Denilson signed for Hai Phong Cement in Vietnam. He finally made his debut last weekend, scored with a free-kick, then didn't bother coming out for the second half. Now he's quit and left Vietnam. Denilson was on a pay-as-you-play deal, so for his one appearance ($12,000) and one goal ($5000) he picked up, according to our calculations, about 15 times the average Hanoi wage.

She is just another shag. If he carries on at this pace, Madrid should tremble." - Nereida Gallardo, one of Cristiano Ronaldo's conquests, gives her scantily-clad verdict on Paris Hilton.