Ian Bell, columnist of the year

This column could never hope to match the poetry, near Shakespearian in its eloquence, of a Joe Kinnear. Was Hamlet ever more tragic? Take it from us: years from now leather-bound volumes of F*** the Press: the Soliloquies of a Caretaker Coach will be collectors' items.

A bit like successful Newcastle United managers, really. Kinnear's now-infamous press conference, in which an inability to read beyond the headlines - so unusual in football - caused no end of bother and expletives, was emblematic.

If that was a job application, Gordon Ramsay had better watch himself. If that was any way to run a football club, there is hope yet for Third Lanark. When a minor misunderstanding over whether players had or had not been given a Monday off becomes all-out war, the comedy is black as night.

At one point in the transcript, Kinnear avers: "I've come here to f****** prove myself". Quite right, too. The Toon Army are sceptical, to put it mildly, over the latest Mike Ashley appointment. Perhaps the candidate could do with sympathetic coverage. Perhaps the hacks might help with that.

Instead, enter Prince Joe, brandishing not his rapier wit but one of those four-letter words so offensive that not even the initial letter is spared asterisking.

Naturally Kinnear wishes to prove himself. He was never the best manager in the world, but hardly the worst, and he is trying to break back into the game via a post that many, if not most, would not touch with tongs and rubber gloves, far less a barge pole. But if he did not blow his chances last week Newcastle are in far worse shape - this stretches credulity - than anyone had realised.

Fifty expletives in the first five minutes of "chat" is no-one's idea of a personal best. Then again, can you really blame Kinnear? He knows, the press know, and the fans know that he is not one of those "dream signings" Ashley has been in the habit of promising.

In the first version, Kinnear had been hired only until October 31. This suggested, to the naïve, that the hunt was on for a real hot-shot, or even that attempts were being made to stage a reconciliation with Kevin Keegan.

Now the club admits, after some prodding, that Kinnear will move to a rolling contract at the beginning of November. This suggests, to the realistic, that Ashley is content just to have a coach in place until he can sell the club, as the fans demand and he desires.

Version one was the story being put about by the spokesman for "anonymous" parties last week telling of rich South Africans prowling Newcastle. Soon enough, Johann Rupert, one of the nominated trio, was informing the BBC that he had "absolutely no interest and no knowledge" of a supposed £300 million take-over. "Amused", he said he preferred cricket and rugby, in any case.

Back in the real world, the truth remains that Ashley would have had difficulty off-loading Newcastle even in the financial good times. By most accounts, he was asking too much. Now, with global credit markets in a shambles, and many a brash self-made man stretched, "Indians" and "South Africans" come and go on the Tyne. But no deal.

Such a thing, if it happens at all in the present climate, would most likely involve a hefty discount to the price, and perhaps an actual loss for Ashley. How are the present, relatively meagre squad valued on the balance sheet, for example? What monies are owed to whom? And what are the commercial prospects, to people who may not even have heard of Newcastle, amid threats of a fans' boycott?

These days the smart talkers will tell you that football is all about "the brand". Sadly, there is something in the argument. So how would you set about exploiting the Newcastle brand, such as remains, just at the moment? More to the point, how would you set about rebuilding it?

An asking price of £300m, if that grand figure is correct, does not even begin to answer the questions.

The brand, whatever it might amount to, is worthless without a winning team and a coach capable of contending with a Martin O'Neill, far less an Arsene Wenger. So how much would you need to spend at current prices, on top of your £300m, to acquire such personnel? Let's say £100m, for starters.

Under Ashley, in contrast, Newcastle are contracting, not expanding. For example, it is reported, and not denied, that Michael Owen has been told he will receive no new contract unless and until there is a take-over. Since most believed the star striker was already for sale, this sounds entirely plausible.

At the time of writing, meanwhile, only hapless Spurs stand between Newcastle and absolute ignominy at the bottom of the Premier League. Week by week, the notion of relegation drifts from the realms of unthinkable possibility towards a nightmarish probability. Kinnear can curse all he likes, and it seems he likes to curse. But no-one believes he can turn Newcastle around. And what would then become of that reputed £300m price tag?

As always with Newcastle in recent decades, the final responsibility lies in the boardroom, even if the boardroom is these days in London. Ashley was supposed to have a strategy, a plan, and money to spend. Instead, he has a "support" who despise him, no buyers, and Dennis Wise. Always beware saviours.

From where I live these days you can as easily follow the A1 north or south. Without much bother I could watch Newcastle or Hibs. Easter Road would give me grief, but I am used to that. Much as I am fond of Geordies, I couldn't face St James's Park. From what some doggedly loyal neighbours tell me, it smells of decay, and of slow death. A real tragedy.