YOU can see why Donald Trump and wind don't mix.
Where we see turbines, Trump imagines giant fans.
A single gust could set his combover back months.
Just how much the US tycoon loathes "windmills", as he calls them, became clear at Holyrood's Economy, Energy, and Tourism Committee, which is holding an inquiry into renewables.
As Tory chair Murdo Fraser pretended it was about more than embarrassing the Government, Trump gazed impassively over the MSPs like an Easter Island statue in a straw hat.
"My name is Donald Trump," he began modestly. He was never modest again, advertising his hotels, resorts, $7 billion net worth, and even a recent medal from the President of Georgia.
Whatever it was awarded for, it wasn't restraint.
He started with the turbines that could soon loom over his Menie golf course, despite it being, at the very least, the best in the universe. More turbines would destroy Scotland, he warned.
As such heresy jars with Alex Salmond's grand plans, SNP MSPs were quick to attack. They lost.
First slain was Chic Brodie, who until Trump's arrival had been the unchallenged owner of Holyrood's worst hairdo, a glossy black helmet and sideburns that earned him the nickname Elvis. Smarting at demotion, a clash was inevitable.
After citing statistics backing wind, he demanded to see the evidence justifying the doom-mongering.
Trump's bouffant reared up like a rutting stag.
"I am the evidence," he declared with a rumble of Old Testament thunder. "I am considered a world-class expert in tourism. I am the evidence."
But the duelling barnets were only a warm-up.
Trump swivelled his sights onto Alex Salmond.
The FM assured him over dinner in New York that his local turbines were doomed, he said. Poor Donald, he was "lured" to Scotland, invested millions, then "betrayed" by the wily locals.
After finishing by denying man-made climate change, Trump held a press conference where Anthony Baxter, director of You've Been Trumped, a film about the Menie golf course, was waiting.
"I haven't seen your documentary, but I hear it failed miserably," Trump growled. It won 10 awards, Baxter replied.
Outside, as he posed for snaps, a large orange balloon rose behind him bearing the word WIGS (Wind is Good Scotland), and a pro-wind protester rubbed it on his head, no doubt charging the Trump locks with enough electricity to stun a mule.
At which, he harrumphed to his blacked-out Ranger Rover, trailing clouds of static in his wake.
It's true what they say – money can buy most things, but it can't buy you dignity.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article