Tensions are running high between France and England what with devious rosbif David Cameron sabotaging the European Union budget upon which so many French farmers rely for a livelihood.
And the froggie food manufacturers retaliating by insinuating horse meat into British lasagne.
In the old days it would have been enough to start a war. There has been no Anglo-French conflict since Waterloo. A proper war would be quite difficult to arrange since the two countries plan to share aircraft carriers and would have to take turns to attack each other.
It is more likely to be a war of words between David Cameron and Francois Hollande with maybe a cultural and economic conflict on the side. How can we Scots help? Do our utmost to sustain the Auld Alliance. This concorde between Scotland and France dates back to 1295 and has never been revoked. We don't want to get involved militarily but should maybe send large numbers of the Tartan Army over to Paris and have a pally swally in the Auld Alliance pub.
We should buy a lot of French wine. If I was a drinking man I would adopt the Muscat de Beaumes-de-Venise appellation and throw my whole-hearted support behind the Pays d'Oc denomination.
Cheese will have to be eaten in great quantities.
The residents of a certain suburb of Glasgow should be buying loads of the really smelly Pont l'Eveque stuff since Pont l'Eveque, as you know, means Bishop's Brig.
We can revive the common usage of old French-Scots words. Shout gardyloo as you chuck the contents of the chanty out of an upstairs window. But not necessarily over a passing English person. Get your ashet out and make a nice horse steak pie in solidarity with our ancient allies. Tell English friends not to fash themselves just because we remain leal to the French.
Just to remind ourselves of the futility of war, we should have a big celebration on September 9 this year of the 500th anniversary of the Battle of Flodden. Our boys took a helluva beating at the hands of the English. But don't forget how good the Tartan Army is at coping with defeat.
Finally, Scotland should prepare itself for a flood of refugees and asylum seekers when the clearances begin of English residents of Provence and the Dordogne.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article