Er, how many calories does a goose-step burn? Not a question you ask yourself often, I’ll wager, but worth considering before you head for your gym routine. An online workout by China’s People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has just been launched, with animated soldiers marching you through an exercise routine. The video shows soldiers performing high kicks, shoulder rolls and lunges. Just as you were thinking: I must add something new to my training mix, along comes this opportunity. The rise of your butt cheeks could accompany that of China.
The aim of the workout is anti-globalisation, actual not ideological, targeting increasingly spherical Chinese soldiers. They’re 5cm pudgier around the waist compared to 20 years ago, and so much flab exposes the PLA to the accusation of being an army of soft power.
The exercise routine is not exactly giving away the PLA’s moves, though Japanese platoons would do well to note they start everything on the left foot, in the event of any showdown.
China’s military newspaper, the PLA Daily, says the content is "novel and original". It incorporates modern dance, tai-chi and, it’s claimed, is "masculine and vigorous". It’s intended to bolster the PLA’s "special strong military culture", bolstering team spirit via the deltoids.
It’s easy to mock this video but why? British Military Fitness gets participants up at 6am doing squats in khaki at locations across Britain, including several in Scotland. And they get cash for it. Mightn’t the PLA export their workout as a new exercise regime? Called, simply, Chinese Military Fitness?
People are desperate for fresh workout experiences. Here’s one that will turn you red before any exertion. If the PLA equivalent of generals thought about this, they could have Chinese soldiers from London to Glasgow, Hyde Park to Bellahouston, encouraging locals into Communist cardio. There could be PLAbs, as a conditioning component. Have everyone do it to Chinese rock music and the Communist government could soon have people goose stepping to their tune. (Though that issue would have to be addressed in the immigration paperwork. "Dear British Government, how about visas for our soldiers to do Chinese Military Fitness at 8am in your parks? It’s just an exercise revolution, honest.")
Declaring actual war on extra weight is popular. Body Combat is a Les Mills group exercise class that includes Muay Thai, a combat sport of Thailand, and Brazilian capoeira, a form of martial art. Add to that, a surprising survey by a toilet paper manufacturer that found eight per cent of women "go commando" in yoga pants at the gym. It’s not quite the same thing, but hey: the fighting spirit is clearly big in exercise.
The growth in this type of fitness culture does make me ponder if Scotland is being left behind on the soldierly sweating front; which leads me to flex my question muscle. Are we having a Scottish Military, in event of an independent future? Anyone? Or, until then, might we have devolved power over defence, if we promise only to use it to brand fitness moves? This would enable Scottish Military Fitness in the Botanics, with Glaswegian ex-marines (though, isn’t that everyone, as it rains so much?) yelling at participants to pump their peely-wally biceps. Good times.
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