10 questions Scottish people are tired of being asked

It’s an image that means Scottish people are habitually greeted by the same inane questions regarding our national cuisine, music and fashion sense when abroad. 

Here are just a few of the most common, often asked in an American accent.  

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1) Oh you’re from Scotland? Maybe you've heard of my great-uncle Hamish MacDoogle, from Inverclyde?

Yeah we get that you could decant the entire population of Scotland into one American city with room to spare, but funnily enough we don’t all know one another. Especially when it comes to somebody who’s been dead a century. We love the fact the Scottish diaspora spread our culture across the globe, we take it as a compliment if you somehow identify as Scottish despite never having crossed the pond, but we couldn’t give a caber toss about your ancestors. 

2) What’s worn under the kilt? 

Prompting, through gritted teeth, the worn-OUT response: “Nothing. It’s all in perfect working order.” Disregard what Outlander has shown you. Scottish men do NOT go around wearing kilts every day. Weddings, graduations, football matches and playing up to tourists when on the Royal Mile is their natural environment.

3) Is that your ‘clan’ tartan? 

Chances are probably 50/50 that whether it’s a tartan scarf, tie or (only on special occasions, see point two) kilt, we A, don’t know what tartan it is, B, wouldn’t even recognise our own family tartan, and C, odds are good it’s Blackwatch. Canne beat Blackwatch. 

4) What’s your favourite whiskey? 

First off, drop the E, it’s spelt whisky. Secondly, even when spelt correctly, not all Scots particularly enjoy our so-called national drink. And for the record we’re not all raving drunks spoiling for a fight, despite what Groundskeeper Willie would have you believe. 

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5) How do you say cheers in Gaelic? 

No idea, do YOU know how to say good evening in Gullah? Despite the street-signs, just a tiny percentage of Scottish people speak Gaelic as a second language.

6) What’s the best way to cook a haggis? 

The traditional cuisine of Burns Nights and the like, more often than not you’ll be getting your haggis cooked for you, so yeah, no idea. Google is always handy for cooking tips if you’re stuck. 

7) What’s your golf handicap? 

We may have invented golf, but for the majority of Scots the pitch is too big and the ball too small. Which brings us neatly on to…

8) Are you a Celtic or Rangers supporter? 

Though Scottish football boasts scores of fine soccer establishments with long and proud lineages, somehow knowledge of St. Mirren’s exploits or Ross County’s latest strides fails to leave the country, leaving Scotland's football scene reduced to a field of two. 

9) Why are you not ginger? 

There’s thing called genetics, you may have heard of it, that determines things like hair colour. Since Scots aren’t all clones, we are, pay attention to this bit now, all different. A difficult concept to grasp, we know. 

10) Have you ever shouted ‘FREEEEEDOM!’ like Braveheart? 

Funnily enough there’s actually a non-zero chance you’ll get a positive response to this one. Whether under the influence of the demon drink (though not necessarily whisky, see point 4), at a football match, or being ironic, Mel Gibson’s defiant cry is one that can occasionally be found on the lips of Scottish men. Please don’t base your understanding of Scots history on Braveheart however. Oscar-winning it may have been, historically accurate it was not. 

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