The Midge: 600 NHS beds cut in year; Ruth Davidson to address Conservative conference; is Nigel Farage on way back to UKIP leadership?

In The Herald, health correspondent Helen Puttick reports on a fall in the number of beds, which the Scottish Government is putting down to people spending less time in hospitals. 

“SNP’s licence to dodge jail” is the Mail’s take on the extension of tagging as an alternative to reman. 

In the Evening Times, Caroline Wilson reports on Glasgow beating a target to reduce smoking. More than 3000 have quit. 

The Record reports that the Children’s Commissioner has criticised Ladbrokes for opening a book on the future achievements of Celtic’s 13-year-old “wonderkid” Karamoko Dembele, including scoring more goals than Larsson. 

The FT says the UK has fallen behind France in economic rankings, according to one measure. But the Guardian reports the IMF will be the fastest growing economy among the G7 this year. 

The Times leads on Home Secretary Amber Rudd’s plan to make companies disclose how many foreign workers they employ. 

Prescriptions for mental health drugs are at a ten-year high, reports the Scotsman. 

Camley’s Cartoon

Dr Camley will see to the matter of NHS beds now. 

FFS: Five in five seconds

1. What’s the story? It’s Theresa May’s big day at the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham.

2. I thought that was Sunday, when she announced the triggering of Brexit talks? Yes, that was important, but today, is, officially, the big day when she gives her leader’s speech. 

3. What is she expected to say? Briefings suggest she will be making a pitch for the centre ground, arguing Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour has lost the right to represent the interests of working class people, and attacking ‘elites’ for sneering at patriotism and concerns over immigration.

4. Sounds like Ruth Davidson’s blue collar conservatism pitch? It does indeed. The Scottish Conservatives’ leader will be speaking this morning, ahead of Mrs May’s speech in the afternoon.

5. Can we look forward to some good jokes from Mrs May? Mmmm. After a promising debut performance at PMQs, the May comedy skills have not been much in evidence. Here’s hoping Philip Hammond (‘Jeremy Corbyn can’t do Strictly as he has two left feet’, etc), hasn’t been on zinger-drafting duty. 

Afore Ye Go

“I’m from the Highlands, where there aren’t very many tenements.”

Fraser Nelson responds to John Cleese describing the Spectator editor as one of a band of “half-educated tenement Scots” running the English press. Mr Nelson also reveals that the Monty Python star was sacked as a Spectator contributing editor after just one article because “his writing fell short of the standards expected”. Telegraph 

“Since Scots are not a race, Cleese is correct in his insistence that he wasn't being a racist; he was, however, being a tool.”

Former Labour MP and Scot Tom Harris also wades in. Telegraph. Clemens Bilan/Getty Images

“No, I’m not coming back. I’m retired.”

Former UKIP leader is asked if, in the wake of his successor Diane James’s resignation after 18 days in the job, he would come back for first $10m, then $20m. Arj Singh, PA. Above, congratulating Ms James on her victory. She said last night: “It has become clear that I do not have sufficient authority, nor the full support of all my MEP colleagues and party officers to implement changes I believe necessary and upon which I based my campaign.”

“[Donald Trump] can’t start a Twitter war with Miss Universe without shooting himself in the foot”.

The Democrat contender for the vice-presidency, Tim Kaine, revives the Trump-Alicia Machado row during this morning’s televised debate in Virginia. Win McNamee/Getty Images

"Look, he's not a polished politician like you and Hillary Clinton.”

Republican VP candidate Mike Pence, above, defends one of the boss’s faux pas. Mr Pence, by dint of his calmer, less aggressive style, was held by some to be the more impressive of the two Veep wannabes. Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

"I liked my old blue passport.”

Brexit Secretary David Davis appears to back the campaign to reintroduce traditional navy blue British passports once the country leaves the European Union. Carl Court/Getty Images

“None of the speakers can tell a story. None of them can tell a joke, beyond the obligatory ‘How about that Jeremy Corbyn? He’s a bit Left-wing, am I right?! …. It’s all just sterile, torpid, faceless, mirthless, generic, committee-approved, insincere managerial blah. We might as well be attending the annual awards ceremony for the doorstop industry.”

After weeks on the road, Telegraph sketch writer Michael Deacon is perhaps finding the Tory gathering in Birmingham a party conference too far. Matt Cardy/Getty Images

Do Labour think there is a ban on other parties taking apart the Tories during their get-away-with-murder conference? #brexit #nhs #economy

— Alastair Campbell (@campbellclaret) October 4, 2016

A former Labour spin doctor writes.

Hi @JustineGreening, as Minister for Women and Equalities, could you please have a word with Horwich Conservatives? Thanks. pic.twitter.com/fvURghC30t

— Liz McInnes (@LizMcInnesMP) October 4, 2016

One MP is on the case.

The Glamour of Television. @nickeardleybbc finds a quiet spot to record his voice track for his BBC Scotland 2016 TV report pic.twitter.com/Jr51f2Ej05

— Jonathan Savage (@JSavageTweets) October 4, 2016

"I did kind of ponder as to whether there are elements of Falstaff in Donald Trump, but I think Shakespeare would have had an entirely new character type to build – what a shame he's not around to do it.”

Royal Shakespeare Company artistic director Gregory Doran, speaking at a headteachers’ conference in Stratford-upon-Avon. Theo Stroomer/Getty Images

A nightmare for Hillary Clinton's team as Donald Trump wins the endorsement of Big Break funnyman Jim Davidson. Gamechanger.

— Jamie Ross (@JamieRoss7) October 4, 2016

Any chance BuzzFeed's Jamie Ross is being sarcastic?

“It would be pretty interesting for Vitamin D research. It's pretty rare to have a subject who has not seen the sun for four years but is otherwise healthy."

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is asked how he is faring after four years living in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. WikiLeaks is to mark its tenth anniversary by releasing new data in the coming weeks, said Mr Assange. Just in time for the US presidential election, Mr A? Dominic Lipinski/PA Wire

"I seem to be asked to do a lot more selfies these days. I do do quite a few of them, but I can't manage to do all of them”.

Might PM Theresa May might want to seek advice from FM Nicola Sturgeon? Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

“Good Spanish food doesn’t get much better than paella. My version combines chicken thighs & chorizo.”

The UK’s unofficial food tsar Jamie Oliver prompts outrage from Spaniards after putting a spin on their national dish. Sam Jones, The Guardian. Tim P. Whitby/Getty Images

“Cathy Come Home would not be made today. It wouldn’t even get beyond the script stage.”

Director Ken Loach, whose latest picture, I, Daniel Blake, is out on October 21, on his landmark 1966 drama about homelessness. Interview with Will Gompertz, BBC. Matt Cardy/Getty Images

Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow. Twitter: @alisonmrowat