Please, no-one tell the Gold Blend couple

Though it would certainly grab the attention of the viewers - and probably the Daily Fail - opening a Dragons' Den pitch with the words “I got the idea from the Thai sex tourism industry” probably isn't that good an idea.

Yes, the Dragons have previously funded both a truffle farm and a treadmill for dogs, so you can never say for certain what will make them part with their wad. But in no parallel universe, not even the one where Jeremy Corbyn tops the Christmas charts with a cover of Shake It Off, would they get behind the sort of Thai-sourced business idea one Bradley Charvet wants to implement in Geneva: a cafe where customers can use a “menu” on an iPad to order a little extra something to go with their wet macchiato and over-priced biscotti. Sorry readers, but I have to be blunt with you here - he's calling it The Fellatio Cafe, for reasons I wouldn't want to go into in a family newspaper. Or even this newspaper.

Stupefyingly offensive though the idea is, it's not on grounds of decency that the Swiss authorities have kicked it into touch. They've said non, nein, no and na (this is a country of four languages, remember) because although prostitution is legal, combining it with hot beverages and food certainly is not.

But just when you thought things couldn't get any more weird, seedy or dystopian they have. Unfazed by the knock-back, and showing Kim Jong-un levels of groundedness and common sense, Mr Charvet now plans to side-step this irksome rule and staff his caff with some kind of sexbot instead. The Americans sell them apparently. I think he probably envisages something like Westworld, the cult 1970s sci-fi film, now a hit TV series, in which synthetic androids become playthings for rich humans. But for some reason all it brings to my mind are those suction teats they use in the milking barn at Robert Wiseman Dairies.

Have yourself a very Corbyn Christmas

If Jeremy Corbyn really is going to release a Christmas single with any chance of bagging the top spot it really should be a duet with preposterous X Factor rapper Honey G, otherwise there's no point doing it. She's free now following her hard Xit - she was finally voted off the ITV talent show a week ago - so it's not too late for some enterprising individual to hire a stylist, cobble together a backing track on GarageBand and put JC and Honey G in a studio together. Should he finally wake up and smell the coffee, maybe aspiring Geneva cafe owner Mr Bradley Charvet is that budding impresario.

Either way it would be great if it did happen because then we'd have a holy trinity of Jeremy Corbyn-themed singles battling it out for the Christmas number one spot (that's three, for the scripturally-challenged among you).

First up is Robb Johnson And The Corbynistas who, with no trace of irony, have released the snappily-titled charity single JC For PM For Me, a folk-tinged belter that Chas And Dave might be proud of but a certain Nobel Prize-winning singer-songwriter would not. But RJATC's JC For PM For Me has competition in the form of You Needed A Hero – You Got Corbyn, taken from a show called Corbyn The Musical which ran in London earlier this year. And came third behind UKIP.

So who'll win the race for the top spot? Anyone but James Corden, please.

A whole new meaning to 'Blue Peter'

Besides being giants of the written word, what else do Giles Coren, Norman Mailer, AA Gill and Tom Wolfe have in common? They've all won the Literary Review's Bad Sex In Fiction Award that's what, given annually to the most cringe-making description of bodily fluids being exchanged. Last year's winner was Morrissey's List Of The Lost, which isn't a list but should (if you were given a copy) be lost post haste.

This year it was Italian author Erri De Luca who walked off with whatever prize actor Jason Isaacs was hired to hand over at the award ceremony - or would have handed over had De Luca turned up to collect it. Unsurprisingly he stayed in Rome and was unavailable for comment. I suppose he had better things to do than be sneered at by the power couples who make up London's literary elite.

“This adds a further accolade to De Luca’s already distinguished list of achievements,” said the judges. “The winning entry is a reminder that, even in the wake of Brexit, bad sex knows no borders.”

In De Luca's defence, his description of a sexual tryst which invokes the winning image of genitals like “ballet dancers hovering en pointe” might have lost a little in translation.

The rest of the authors on the shortlist have no such excuse though, especially not American doctor-turned-scribbler Ethan Canin who must have come pretty close to winning with this passage from his novel A Doubter's Almanac: “The act itself was fervent. Like a brisk tennis game or a summer track meet, something performed in daylight between competitors. The cheap mattress bounced”.

But my favourite shortlisted sex scene is from The Butcher's Hook by Janet Ellis. Yes, that Janet Ellis: former Blue Peter presenter, sticky-back plastic aficionado and mother of pop singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor. “I am pinned like wet washing with his peg,” she writes. “Til now, I thought the sweetest sound I could ever hear was cows chewing grass. But this is better.”

In the future, Joe Biden will be a God

One thousand years from now historians poring over the digital archives of the early 21st century will trawl through a million images of a grizzled man with bad hair holding a sword and go: “OK, we know winter is coming. But why were they so worried about it?” (for any non-Westerosians reading, that's a Game Of Thrones meme reference).

Likewise they may scratch their heads at the Honey G memes currently doing the rounds with the hashtag #MummgG - these show women in sunglasses and baseball caps doing hip-hop hand gestures on sofas during the X Factor ad breaks - or the pictures of random bridges that followed a recent Foreign Office tweet about the new Queensferry Crossing over the Forth. Crowing about the new span using the hashtags #DesignisGREAT and #GlobalBritain, the FO used an image of the Forth Rail Bridge. Just one more cock-up to lay at Boris Johnson's feet, eh?

Right now, it may be a nuclear winter that's coming thanks to a man with even worse hair than Sean Bean's in Game Of Thrones. But as Donald Trump gets measured up for the White House swivel chair there are new, different memes doing the rounds. The most popular of these feature outgoing Prez/Vice-Prez double-act Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and show Joe telling Obama about his various plans to prank The Donald. He's going to remove the Ts from the White House keyboards so staffers can only write “Rump”! He's left a joint in the Presidential helicopter! He's given Trump the wrong address for the White House for his first meeting with the outgoing president! He's programmed the Oval Office TV to run Spanish subtitles! He's going to play the Imperial March from his phone when he arrives!

Funny at the time. But maybe you had to be there, which our putative future historians clearly are not. So remember this the next time you tweet: today's internet meme is tomorrow's thesis on 21st Century Folk Art In The Digital Era.