Smashing sound

RAISING children, continued. A Bearsden reader was in the lounge with his daughter while his wife and son were in the kitchen.

He suddenly heard a loud crash, and wondered aloud who had dropped something.

“Mum,” said his daughter.

“How do you know?” he asked. “She didn’t say anything,” replied daughter.

Short answer

THE strange world of being famous. Actress Minnie Driver told fans on social media yesterday: “Someone just came up to me in a restaurant and told me I look like Minnie Driver, but not as tall. I said it’s because I’m sitting down.”

You’re on tae plums

WE’RE supposed to eat more fruit and veg it seems, and researchers have revealed that many folk cannot even identify common varieties.

Said researcher Simon Williams: “When asked to name 10 fruit and vegetables, one of the participants said, ‘nine carrots and an apple’.

“Another insisted that celeriac was a fictional detective from Jersey.”

We recall chef Andy Cumming visiting an east end supermarket where he took a couple of plum tomatoes and a handful of cherry tomatoes to the checkout.

The young chap at the till hesitated, and asked what varieties he had. Andy replied: “Plum and cherry.”

“You’re at it mate,” he replied. “I know a tomato when I see it.”

The late shift

OUR story about bad timekeeping reminds Norrie Christie: “I had a colleague who was a persistent late-comer. Coming into the office half an hour late one morning the tardy fellow was challenged by the boss.

‘Late again Brian’ he pronounced. ‘Me too, Mr Ingram,’ said Brian as he hung up his jacket.”

Hard to swallow

WE commend the sheer daftness of a reader who emails: “My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

“No wait, she’s back. She had just gone to make a cup of tea.”

Friendly advice

A READER hears a loudmouth in a Glasgow bar declare: “The wife said to me, ‘All our friends are having babies now.’ “So I told her we should do something about that. I said we should go ahead and get new friends.”

Pump it up

IN a random comment, Liza Donaldson tells us that the petrol pumps at Kilchoan on the Ardnamurchan Peninsula – the bit of mainland above the island of Mull – have not been replaced for decades, and are probably the oldest working petrol pumps in Scotland.

Not sure what to do with that information but it reminds us of the reader who told us: “I stopped at my local petrol station and filled up. Well, who wouldn’t shed a tear when you see the prices these days?”

Love test

TODAY’S relationship advice comes from a reader in Kilmacolm who suggests: “Before you get married, you should try and assemble Ikea furniture together.”