Dirty Diary:

Among the highlights of the 120-minute giggle-fest were Hammy comparing Labour under Obi Wan to “a driverless vehicle”; Hammy describing the Labour leader as “so far down a black hole that even Stephen Hawking has disowned him”; and Hammy taunting Obi Wan's chances of electoral success by saying: “They don't call it the last Labour government for nothing.”

How they laughed. And they really did: cutaways to the audience showed other grey, middle-aged men splitting their sides with, here and there, a woman chortling too. One in the front row looked like she could be Hammond's sister.

Elsewhere in the world, celebrations for International Women's Day were a little more fulsome, inspiring and inventive. In Melbourne, the traffic signals were given a distaff makeover by showing the walk/don't walk figures wearing skirts. In New York, a bronze statue dubbed Fearless Girl appeared overnight, placed as if she was facing down Wall Street's famous Charging Bull effigy. In Iceland, the government announced it would become the first country in the world to require companies to prove they offer equal pay to everybody. And online, the daily Google doodle celebrated 13 inspiring women, among them, artist Frida Kahlo, Ada Lovelace (the 19th-century mathematician and algorithm whizz who was also probably the world's first computer programmer) and Egypt's first female pilot, Lotfia El Nadi.

Sticking with wings and things, budget airline EasyJet even sent out a plane prepared and crewed entirely by women and captained by 26-year-old Kate McWilliams, the youngest ever female commercial pilot. Bet you still had to pay for the peanuts, though.

Talking Commons

ONE International Women's Day initiative the UK Parliament did manage not to fudge was a video, released by the Women and Equalities Select Committee and aimed at encouraging more women into politics. “Be brave”, “be fierce” and “be courageous” was the advice given by Jess Phillips, Maria Miller and Angela Crawley, the trio of MPs featured.

So who can blame SNP MP Mhairi Black for combining all three admonitions at once and adding one of her own – “be sweary” – during a spat with Tory MP Caroline Nokes over cuts to housing benefits for young people?

You can watch if for yourself: as Nokes, a junior minister in the Department of Work and Pensions, is answering a question Black has put to her, footage shows the MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire South appearing to mouth something a little bit rude.

The speaker was either asleep or can't lip-read, because while bravery, fierceness and courage aren't actually banned in the House of Commons, cussing isn't generally permitted. But there were plenty of people watching who do know their phonemes from their visemes and homophenes, and the consensus is that Black said something along the lines of “dinnae talk sh**e, hen”. The general tone of the social media response contained even fewer words and was particularly appropriate to International Women's Day: “You go, girl!”

The right to swear blind

MIND you, even if Mhairi Black did cuss and the Speaker did tell her off, would he actually have a leg to stand on? Not according to civil rights group Liberty. They've taken issue with an attempt by Rochdale Metropolitan Borough Council to ban swearing in the town, calling it “a staggering misuse of power which would unjustifiably curb the rights and freedoms of Rochdale residents”. To swear, presumably.

Council leader Richard Farnell has fought back by counter-attacking – “With all the horrific human rights abuses happening around the world right now, I would have thought Liberty had bigger things to worry about” – and also defending the proposal. “We are clamping down on a small minority of antisocial ne'er-do-wells who drunkenly shout and swear,” he said.

It's not thought that he was referring to his fellow councillors in the Labour-led administration. But he might have been.

Potty money

IF I cast my eye around my back garden right now I can see (1) a frisbee I've been meaning to pick up since Hallowe'en (2) the firework stubs left over from Bonfire Night (3) a Super Soaker discarded after one of the battles that always breaks out when the kids watch anything Marvel-related (4) some weeds (5) some more weeds (6) a cat (not ours) pooing in a vegetable patch (ours) (7) two garden gnomes, one headless, the other spray-painted black (it's a long story).

They only things we have which I could genuinely say we've “inherited” – ie had foisted on us when relatives moved house – are a rickety old bench and a couple of rhubarb forcers. All I know about these is that they're for forcing rhubarb (to do what, I have no idea) and that they would make great umbrella stands. If we owned any umbrellas.

But if I was a fancier sort of fellow and came from quality – say, for example, I was Charles James Spencer-Churchill, 12th Duke of Marlborough – then I'd have all sorts of inherited knick-knacks lying about the back lawn, some of which I didn't even know I owned.

One such item has now come to light. It's an easy-to-miss, six-and-a-half foot long, carved Roman sarcophagus showing gods doing what gods like to do – frolic, lie about the place, show off their six-packs – and it was spotted during a routine insurance assessment of any incidental trifles located in the grounds of the family pile, Blenheim Palace.

This particular trifle, 1700 years old and hastily valued at around £300,000, was being used as a planter for tulips and was brought home from the Grand Tour by the profligate fifth Duke of Malborough. Why he couldn't just get a tattoo and a Keep Calm And Go Jet Skiing T-shirt isn't clear. Anyway, according to palace manager Kate Ballenger, the insurance assessor advised that “it probably shouldn't be used in the way it was and that we should probably move it inside”. This has now been done and the sarcophagus given a good clean.

Presumably the tulips have been removed.