Bad taste

WE asked for your Fair Fortnight stories ahead of Fair Friday, and a Kelvinside reader recalls being at the Bobby Jones dance hall in Ayr many moons ago in his youth when a young Glasgow girl on holiday during the Fair was being enthusiastically “winched” at the side of a hall by a fellow holidaymaker.

The girl drew herself away from the clinch to tell the chap: “If yer looking’ fur ma tonsils, they were removed when I was eight.”

Old dogs, new tricks

ENTERTAINER Andy Cameron reminisced with us after the death of one-time speedy winger Johnny McKenzie, who played for Patrick Thistle. Recalls Andy: “When he was scooting up the wing at Hampden against the mighty Hungarians in 1954 I was in the schoolboys’ enclosure, and somebody commented on how quick McKenzie was. A big boy, or a teacher (he was smoking), said, ‘That’s because he trains wi’ the greyhounds at Firhill’. 
I wonder how many fans remember that Firhill had dug racing as well as fitba’ in the far off days of Woodbines and Pasha cigarettes.”

The bridge club

OVER 200,000 folk applied to get tickets for the chance to walk across the new Queensferry Crossing before it opens, and many of them did not make the list. But as John McShane in Battlefield, Glasgow, told us: “I suspect, like many, I was unsuccessful in the ballot for the Queensferry Crossing Experience. But not to worry. It’s described as a ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’, so the Scottish Government will no doubt be proposing to re-run it in a couple 
of years.”

Car trouble

PARENTING teenagers, continued. A Merrylee father tells us: “My son has just passed his driving test and on Saturday he texted me, ‘Can 
I borrow the car later?’ I thought I was quite clever when I texted back, ‘Of course you can! But that’s not how you spell ‘wash’.”

Raising Hell

OUR tales of seeking directions remind singer and broadcaster Jimmie Macgregor: “The late great Luke Kelly of the Dubliners told me that, hopelessly lost in the Irish countryside on one occasion, they asked an old labourer on the road if he could give them directions. He peered into the van, and confronted by Luke with the wild and ferociously red-haired and bearded Barney McKenna, and the sinister-looking Ronnie Drew – the nicest of men – he said, ‘the only road you’re taking is the road to Hell’.”

Name dropping

For sheer daftness, Mary Duncan tells us that the story about the driver shouting ‘Taxi for McAulay’ reminded her of the listener who phoned in to Radio Clyde presenter John McCauley and told him he’d named his dog after him. “You did?” said a surprised, and perhaps chuffed, John. ‘Yes,’ said the caller, ‘Ma collie’.”

Chippy reply

SOMETIMES we feel the need to pass on messages from social media. As a Pete Bradley commented the other day: “Picked up my mum, steaming, and she said, ‘Can we get chips?’ to which I replied, ‘No. We have some in the freezer’. Been waiting years to say that’.”

Not in step

GROWING old, continued. Says Janet Guthrie: “When I was teaching quite a few years ago I recall feeling ancient when a girl in my primary class excitedly told me she was going to Stepps on Saturday. ‘That’s nice, are you visiting your gran?’ I asked. The puzzled look on her face said it all. ‘Steps is a pop group, Miss!’”