Plaque of beyond

LAST week we ran an item bemoaning the fact that mermaid was never on the list of job possibilities when your diarist was a school-age pup looking for a fulfilling career. Another occupation you'll never hear a careers advisor pushing is plaque unveiler, though as it happens a vacancy has now come up due to the retirement last week of the undefeated and undisputed UK and Commonwealth champion, HRH Prince Philip – he of Edinburgh dukedom fame.

The queen's consort was, by his own admission, a world-class plaque unveiler, and wasn't shy about reminding people of the fact. Just last month he was at it as he did the honours for a new £25m stand at a place called Lord's in London (something to do with cricket, apparently). “You're about to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler,” he quipped.

You can see his point. After decades in the job, what he doesn't know about elaborately woven silk cords, little blue curtains and the precise wrist movements required to make the latter go swishing back to a chorus of oohs and aahs from an audience of local dignitaries and bored-looking Brownies really isn't worth knowing. So whoever takes over is stepping into shoes which will be difficult to fill (and, I imagine, difficult to purchase without a pay-day loan: since 1956, the Duke's footwear has mostly come from John Lobb Ltd, makers of the hilariously-named Austerity Brogue. They charge up to £4,000 for a pair of leather shoes. But that's another story).

Just to make an already difficult job even more taxing, the new man or woman is going to have to get to grips with the complex art of ribbon-cutting as well. I know, I know, but it's all about multi-skilling these days. Curricula vitae (I think that's the correct Latin) to Buckingham Palace, please – and if yours arrives etched on a piece of Welsh slate and wrapped in blue velvet, all the better.

Losing the stag

ONE of the unforeseen problems of stag and hen parties wanting to dress up in matching costumes is that if, for example, the real Darth Vader were to walk into a sports bar with a platoon of storm troopers in battle formation behind him and ask the barman to hand over the escaped Rebel fighter he thinks he's harbouring, the barman would just go, “Yeah, yeah” and set up a dozen watermelon-flavoured Bacardi Breezers with vodka chasers. Either that or he'd say: “Thing is guys, we had the cops in last week after one of the Spice Girls challenged Snow White to a square go, so the manager has banned all stag and hen parties. Soz.”

That second scenario – the no stag and hen parties rule – is the one in operation at the City Arms bar on Quay Street in Cardiff, which is why when seven men dressed head-to-toe in Catholic priest rig-out walked in recently they were told: “Sorry gents, we have a policy of no fancy dress and no stag dos.” The thing is, they actually were Catholic priests and were out celebrating the ordination of one of their number, Father Peter McLaren.

An easy mistake to make? Not really. But the priests saw the funny side anyway, and when the bouncers were finally convinced of their Godliness they were led back into the pub to cheers and applause. And, I'm sure, a Hallelujah or two.

Work-life baloney

I'M sure there's only a handful of male Sunday Herald readers who wouldn't describe themselves as feminists, and even among those who don't I'll bet a goodly proportion at least put the toilet seat down. I call that progress.

The thorny issue of housework is another matter entirely, however. A 2016 study by the Office for National Statistics, for example, found that British women still do 40 per cent more housework than men on average, and that those on maternity leave do the most. Things are even worse down under. The Australians had the wit to ask a question about housework on their 2016 census and as a result they found that 25 per cent of all men in the country do none at all.

But according to a new study, it isn't just women who would feel the benefit if more men did more housework. The economy would come up smelling pine-scented too. A recently-published report from America's National Bureau for Economic Research finds that because women spend more time doing housework than men, more of them avoid taking jobs in fields that require long hours. As a result, there are 14 per cenr more men in these so-called “high-hours” occupations than women. However the study found that if this gender imbalance was eradicated, productivity would increase nationally. No, I don't understand why either but apparently it would and it means the economic case for men doing more housework has been made. Definitively.

So if you're reading this while your partner cooks brunch, unblocks the kitchen sink and dexterously changes one of those pesky, recessed halogen spotlights that are always blowing and cost a fortune to replace, why don't you put down the paper, pick up a bottle of Toilet Duck instead and do your bit for the GDP? Your Eggs Benedict can wait.

Who's Siri now?

MY kids use Siri, the voice assistant you find on iPhones, for the most curious things. They like to ask it difficult mathematical questions so they can use the percussive, repetitive answers as a sort of beat box and try to rap over it. Jay-Z has nothing to worry about, let me tell you.

Other people like to ask Siri, or her Amazon equivalent Alexa, to tell them a joke or find them a recipe. Some people even wring a cheap thrill out their phones by talking dirty to Siri and asking it questions that any well brought-up digital assistant would meet with a stern “I wouldn't do that even if I knew what it was”.

Not me, though. I'm too shy. I've never asked Siri anything, risque or otherwise, and don't plan to, which puts me in the minority according to new research from Mintel. A study published yesterday found that a whopping 62 per cent of Britons are either using or would be happy to use digital assistants – although only in the privacy of their homes, it seems. Even the envelope-pushing early adopters aren't ready to take Siri and Alexa out in public just yet, though I don't imagine it'll be long before the supermarket aisles are filled with unembarrassable users shouting into their phones and getting answers like “Gummy Bears” or “haemorrhoid cream”. Can't wait.