FOLLOWING her successful turn in the opening ceremony of the London Olympics, it has been announced that the Queen is to take part in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, starting in the autumn.

Among those joining the monarch to murder the paso doble on the dance floor will be Donald Trump (mind those small hands, sir), Angela Merkel, Usain Bolt, Oprah, Professor Stephen Hawking, and Lassie.

None of which is true, alas. I would pay good money to watch the German chancellor be swept off her feet by Anton du Beke while Lassie howled in the wings, waiting her turn at the Argentine tango, but it is not going to happen.

Not on the BBC’s watch. Instead of the A-listers named above, Auntie, according to complaints, has scraped together a bunch of folk of whom no one has ever heard. “Is a celebrity a celebrity when you have to Google who they are after their Strictly ‘unveiling’?” tweeted one underwhelmed viewer.

Former head judge Len Goodman shares the punters’ pain, telling Radio Times: “Some of the celebrities we had on the show I didn’t actually recognise at first.”

Among the 2017 participants are Joe McFadden, a Scots actor on Holby City m’lud, Ruth Langford, a television presenter m’lud, and the Reverend Richard Coles, who used to be in the Communards with Ian Hislop and is now a presenter on Radio 4’s Saturday Live, m’lud. Oh, and Susan Calman.

Not “the” Susan Calman you cry? Daughter of Sir Kenneth “Calman Commission” Calman? Star of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, the News Quiz, and a woman on Radio 4 more often than the pips? Yes, her. According to the Daily Mail, however, the inclusion of this “low-profile Scots comic” has left Strictly viewers scratching their heads and longing for the days of Jeremy Vine and Ann Widdecombe.

How cruel. It has been widely rumoured, and I believe it, that Craig Revel Horwood has been working for years on Calman Commission-related jibes, just praying for the day when Susan would appear. “The New Yorker in your cha-cha-cha needs more power, dahling, and your left foot looks like it’s demanding independence from the right.”

It will be hilarious, and before you know it the pint-sized punster will be the darling of the red tops. Mark my words, Calman will be the new Miranda.

You would never know it from this year’s fuss, but Strictly has always had its share of “who the heck is that” guests. The non-professional dancers are chosen from a broad range of backgrounds and ages so there is someone for every viewer. You may not know that young actor from EastEnders from a hole in the ground, but chances are your children will.

Part of the Strictly’s appeal is that it promotes new faces who go on to become better known. Not for very long, with the average shelf life of a Strictly celeb ranking on a par with that of a loaf, but just for a while the winners keep on twinkling, basking in the glow of the glitterball.

The other great thing about minor celebs is that they are cheap. Given the heat the BBC is taking over star wages, we should count ourselves lucky this year’s line-up does not consist of nine sock puppets and Alex Salmond. It is a little-known fact, too, that just as rescue animals can make the best pets, minor celebs are tougher, work harder, and are less prone to dance-related injuries. An A-list type only has to see a stray sequin on the floor and they are demanding a wheelchair and calling the lawyer.

One paper this week put the shortage of big names down to the “Strictly curse”, whereby previously happily paired-off sorts lose their heads with the glamour of it all and waltz out of their marriages. That has indeed been a problem, but for every split there is a fresh bond formed, and at least we know the new couple, should they go completely Strictly bonkers and marry, will at least not make a show of themselves in their first dance.

Finally, those who still want to carp about the wattage of the new line-up should note that this series will be the 15th, and there simply aren’t enough British celebrities to maintain the standards set in previous runs. The national shortage of celebrities is a crisis on a par with that of falling doctor numbers and teachers, but no-one has been willing to take it seriously.

The problem could have been solved by taking celebs from Europe (Cristiano Ronaldo, Juliette Binoche, Bono, etc), but Brexit has put paid to that idea. Unless, of course, ex-Strictly dancer Vince Cable wants to use the issue as a reason to overturn the Brexit vote and keep the UK in the EU. Over to you, twinkle toes.