What the Butler saw

GOOD to see Scottish women being explained to Americans. Paisley-born film star Gerard Butler was on a late night chat show the other night in the States when he explained: "You can't get away with much in Scotland." He said he was in a bar back in Scotland when a woman who had been staring over at him came over and said: "You know, I know your face from the telly – but I’m not gonna tell you that, because it’s going to give you a big ******* head!”

Host Seth Meyers asked: "Is that Scottish flirting?"

Crisply put

WE asked for your stories about flat-sharing as a student, and a reader in Hyndland tells us: "I once had a lengthy argument with my flatmate because she objected to me opening a bag of crisps when it was upside down as she said it was wrong to tear open the bottom of the packet.

"We didn't share the following year."

Labouring the point

AS the news stories continue about alleged irregularities in the contest for the Scottish Labour leadership, SNP MP Pete Wishart mischievously remarks: "This annual Scottish Labour leadership contest is the best yet. Don't know how next year's can possibly top this."

On a roll

WE finally call for the bill on our curry stories with entertainer Andy Cameron recalling: "Sitting in the production office at the BBC one day I told folk-singer Danny Kyle that I'd been invited by fellow performer Hamish Imlach to one of his vindaloo nights. Danny advised to to take three toilet rolls. When I asked why, he said, 'Take one with you in case of accidents, and leave two in the fridge for the morning'."

Drink to that

THERE are a few parents who no doubt would sympathise with Simon Holland who commented the other day: "My daughter wants to play 'Guess this song' with her recorder. I am going to need every drop of strong drink in this house."

It reminds us of Clinton Cards coming up with Play The Recorder Month and telling us: "The first recorder probably dates from medieval times and was excavated from a castle moat in Holland. Whether it was thrown into the moat by parents exasperated by their child's practice is anyone's guess."

Not very p.c.

WE deliver our final postcard story as a reader tells us that pithy comments on the backs of such cards are not just a modern phenomenon. She was flicking through postcards from the forties for sale in an antique shop and found one that simply said on the back: "Dear Jimmy, Having a fine time without you, Barbara."

A bit picky

READERS continue to explain Brexit to us. When transport secretary Chris Grayling went on television at the weekend to say that British farmers would "grow more food here" if prices went up after Brexit, a Bearsden reader phoned to tell us: "It's just a pity that all the folk available to pick the food would have been sent home by then."

Having the last word

DODGY relationship advice continued. A Glasgow reader in his local at the weekend heard a chap tell his pals: "I tried to explain to the wife that our golfing weekend away was a very quiet event. She said she didn't believe a word I said.

"I didn't help matters by pulling a dictionary off the shelf and saying, 'Check for yourself. They are all real'."

Clapped out

TODAY'S daft gag comes from Oonagh Keating who writes: "'I saw a really good busker in South-West London this morning'. 'Clapham?' 'No, but I threw a quid in his hat'."