Read my lips

A READER on the train from Motherwell into Glasgow heard a young girl tell her pals: "I tried doing that sexy pout thing with your lips when I was out with my boyfriend. He jumped up and said, 'You're not going to throw up are you?'"

Kidding around

WE bump into our old chum David Belcher who was recalling stand-up Sean Hughes who sadly died this week. Said David: "I remember one of his best gags, addressed with doe-eyed sincerity to a mythical girl he was pursuing as part of his routine. 'I want you to have my children,' he told her before adding after a pause, 'They're in the car outside,'"

Had a bucket

SINGERS dealing with hecklers, continued. Liz Clark at Celtic Music Radio remembers folk singer Danny Kyle faced with a drunken heckler at a working men's club in the sixties. After a mouthful of abuse from the punter Duanny suggested: "Ok pal - just stand against the wall there. It's plastered too."

Bit of a plank

OUR story about shop assistants dealing with measurements reminds Bob Byiers of needing four-foot and five-foot planking for shelving, but when he asked for said lengths at his local wood merchant, the assistant said they only did metric lengths. Bob went home, re-did the measurements in centimetres, and was surprised when he returned that they had them in that size as they were odd sizes - 122 and 152 centimetres. When Bob asked why they had such odd sizes the same assistant said it was because they had converted them from four-feet and five-feet lengths which they used to sell.

Took a shine

WE asked about students flat-sharing and Gilbert MacKay in Newton Mearns confesses: "My dorm-mates in a Glasgow schools' orchestra residential course decided to find out if the eyesight of our best fiddler was as bad as he said it was. We realised he wasn't kidding when we had to stop him before he brushed his teeth using the tube of white shoe cleaner we had swopped his toothpaste for in the bathroom."

Ringing endorsement

A WEST end reader swears to us he heard a young chap with a ring through his nose tell his pals that he wasn't that keen on wearing it. When his mates asked him why he bothered then, he told them that the benefit was his parents didn't insist on him going with them whenever they were visiting friends and relatives.

Picture this

RADIO presenter Paul Coia was explaining to friends on social media this week: "Wedding anniversary celebrations at the Savoy Hotel and was walking past the autographed photos of former residents while explaining to my daughters who they were. 'That's Elizabeth Taylor. That one is Bob Hope. That's Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart.'

"A daughter pipes up, 'I know the next one. He's that movie guy Harvey Weinstein.'

"Winston Churchill, my sincere apologies."

He was floored

AH yes, folk you meet who think they are comedians. Alan Kerr was walking his dog near his home in Tillicoultry when he got chatting to someone, and it came up in conversation that the dog had been sick during the night after stealing a Chinese takeaway.

"Was there lamb in it?" asked the stranger. "What difference would that make?" asked Alan.

"Well," the chap replied, "if ye hud carpet oan the fler, it’s helluva hard tae clean up, but if ye had 'lamb in it', ye just need tae wipe it wi’ a wet cloth."

And if you are still puzzled, then I should tell you it sounds a lot like 'laminate'.

It's a dog's life

IAN Young reads the Herald news story that Greyfriars Bobby was named most loved object in Edinburgh, and wonders if it was a fix as the Herald said the poll was conducted by "heritage watchdogs".