WHEN it comes to Europe, the poor old Conservatives just cannot catch a break. Take Douglas Ross, newly elected Tory MP for Moray. There he was, doing his bit last night for UK-EU harmony by serving as an assistant referee at the Champions League game between Barcelona and Olympiakos.

Alas, being at the Camp Nou Stadium in Barcelona meant he could not be doing his day job in the Commons. A pity, because the House was debating benefit reform and delays to payments. Society’s poorest being thrown into greater hardship. Homes being lost due to soaring rent arrears. Families going hungry. A very important matter to a lot of people.

Certain folk, including some of Mr Ross’s fellow Conservative MPs, stuck around to lobby ministers and threaten rebellion in a bid to sort the obvious problems with Universal Credit before the system is rolled out UK-wide. Mr Ross pulled on a pair of shorts and ran up and down a line waving a small flag. But we all express our pain in different ways, eh Douglas?

For a previous match in Europe, Mr Ross was paid £1,436 for one and a half hours’ work. Fingers crossed he does not have to wait long to receive payment for last night. That would never do.

Given their experiences on the continent, one might think Conservatives would do their utmost to avoid going there, but try keeping them away from the place. Theresa May flew to Brussels on Monday for dinner and will return for an EU summit, starting today. My, those chefs must be good, for if there is one place more uncomfortable for Mrs May than London these days it is Brussels.

In London, her Brexit plans, or the absence of them, continue to generate alarming headlines. This week alone, her Home Secretary has described a no-deal Brexit as “unthinkable”; her Brexit Secretary has accused the EU of extortion; and a senior civil servant has painted a picture of troops at UK ports and airports (assuming the planes are still flying, that is).

In Brussels, meanwhile, Mrs May’s dinner dash and telephone calls to European leaders do not appear to have put her negotiating partners in a better mood. Her get-together with EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier and Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Commission, may have ended in hugs and kisses, but if past experience is any guide it is the UK Prime Minister who will be leaving Brussels tomorrow with a bad case of indigestion.

This week’s summit was supposed to be the one where the EU gave Mr Barnier the go-ahead to start talking about a trade and transition deal, but with no progress on the EU 27’s three key demands – to settle on a divorce bill, guarantee citizens’ rights and resolve the Irish border question – Europe’s leaders are set to deliver a Thatcheresque “No, no, no”, or as it will be expressed, adding insult to injury, “Non, non, non”. The only acceleration Mrs May will witness is in the car taking her to the airport.

Mr Barnier, singing from an already well-creased hymn sheet, blames infighting in Mrs May’s own party for the stalled negotiations.

Now, every general needs luck, and in the Conservatives, Mr Juncker and the EU 27 have won the political equivalent of the EuroMillions draw on a rollover week. In-fighting, lack of leadership, muddle: the Conservatives are the fruit (loop) machine that keeps on paying out.

So badly have they handled Brexit to date that it has been easy to overlook the EU’s appalling behaviour in negotiations. When they go low, you go high, former First Lady Michelle Obama once advised. Not as far as the EU is concerned. When the UK hits a new low, the EU grows ever more sly.

Despite the mayhem in the British Government, and the threat to her position, Mrs May went to Florence and said the correct things on continued payments into the EU, a transition period, and citizens’ rights. In return, she has received no more than a demand to try harder. Keen on rules they may be, but Mr Juncker and company are clearly not familiar with the quorum required for a tango.

Still, what should this matter to anyone outwith the Conservatives? Hell mend them and see you at the ballot box, right? Well, up to a point. Unlike austerity, when it comes to making the best of Brexit, we genuinely are all in this together. Quitting the EU without a deal would cause real damage to the economy and society, not just in the UK but in the rest of the EU. The EU negotiating team might have the kind of job security and platinum-edged pensions that will protect them against such fallout; the rest of us in Europe are not so fortunate.

Those enjoying the discomfort of the UK side in negotiations should consider how they would feel if they were on the end of a 27:1 EU pummelling. Make no mistake: the EU’s hardball approach on Brexit is not an aberration; this is its default position when challenged. If you doubt it, ask Greece. Ask Catalonia. Ask those at the thick end of a police truncheon in Spain if they felt the EU was doing a good job protecting their fundamental rights.

Still not convinced? Then cast your mind back to Scotland’s independence referendum and those friendly warnings about the price of voting Yes. Even if you were a No voter, how did that sit in the craw? If the EU does not want to come across as an alliance of elites that brooks no dissent it has a funny way of going about it.

Jeremy Corbyn is deluding himself if he thinks he would be given an easier ride than Mrs May. For now, the Conservatives will carry on making a hash of the Brexit negotiations. That is a given. If you think previous weeks have been carnage, wait till they try to pass the EU Withdrawal Bill.

For the sake of everyone, there have to be some grown-ups in the room when it comes to negotiating Brexit. The EU should stop behaving like a lover scorned and start supplying some of them. At this rate the only people it is helping are those hard Brexiters plotting a takeover of the Tories. Whatever game the EU is playing, someone on its side needs to blow a whistle on it, now.