SNP nightingale Joan McAlpine got into a spot of bother at Holyrood’s Festival of Politics on Thursday by claiming the UK single market doesn’t exist. That would be the same integrated economy Unionists have been banging on about for years - the one they say independence would upend. The Borders MSP then compounded the irony when she urged the audience to go see another festival event about the “Death of the Expert”. She should know.

HOWEVER she wasn’t the only one getting flak. Brexiter businessman Ivor Tiefenbrun was repeatedly moaned at by punters for extolling the wonders of Leave. He did have the best gag, though. After an audience member warned of robots mimicking the human brain, Mr Tiefenbrun replied drily: “Yes, that will be a big advantage in the Scottish Parliament.”

LATE news arrives from the SNP conference of what can only be described as a major riddie for Renfrewshire MSP Tom Arthur. A professional musician before straying into Holyrood, Mr Arthur was asked to demonstrate his skill on the piano in the bar one night. Alas, his ivory tinkling came with a lengthy narration about the art of the instrument and he was thrown off in favour of someone who would simply bang out a tune. “Tom seemed to forget music should be fun,” explained a fellow MSP, who heartily approved of the key change.

BETTER publicity for the SNP’s John McNally. The Falkirk MP made headlines galore after brandishing a red card at Prime Minister’s Questions. It was a dig at Douglas Ross, the sometime Tory MP for Moray, who was off pursuing his vocation as a linesman in Barcelona. Theresa May wasn’t impressed with the stunt, but Unspun hears that in Portcullis House afterwards Scottish Secretary David Mundell went over to Mr McNally and gave him an appreciative shoulder pat. It seems not all of Mr Ross’s fellow Tories are footie fans.

MR McNally’s elation didn’t last long however. It soon emerged that his 92 per cent voting record was lower than Mr Ross’s 96 per cent turnout since June. Worse, Mr McNally drew a spotlight onto his Nat colleagues. It transpired MP Stephen Gethins had voted on 71 per cent of divisions, Angela Crawley on 54 per cent, and the formidable if not always locatable Mhairi Black on a mere 21 per cent. We fear some towel-snapping in the changing room awaits.

WHEN not smashing the boss class, wannabe Scottish Labour leader Richard Leonard is busy waging war on the English language. His press releases are famous for spelling and grammatical errors. This week we’ve had the non-possessive “Tories brutal welfare cap“, followed by “the Tory's brutal benefit cap”, the work of one person apparently. He also vowed to help “candidates and activists who are women, BAME, LGBTQ+ and/or disabled not just when there is an election but all year round”. Will it be this bad all year round if he wins, or just at election time, we wonder.

THE Scottish Greens' autumn conference start today. The programme is full of top tips, like how to use voting cards. These are red for no, green for yes and white for abstain. As the blurb explains: “They are colour-coded, like traffic lights.” You know, the ones with white abstain lights in them. This evening’s social options include “one of Edinburgh’s famous ghost tours, hosted by Councillor Alexander Staniforth.” It sounds fun, but if you want to see what an opened graveyard looks like, why not just sit through one of the debates?