MP carpeted

FOLK in a bit of a tizzy over Kezia Dugdale skipping the Scottish Parliament and going on a reality TV show in Australia. It reminds former Glasgow MP Maria Fyfe: "When John Smith was leader of the opposition there was a Welsh MP, also called John Smith, who was on holiday in Cyprus when the Whips phoned, urging him to get back for an important vote. The airlines had no seats, so the Whips told him they would get back to him.

"Shortly afterwards they rang to say an RAF plane would soon be leaving its base on Cyprus, and he could travel on it if he got to the base immediately. So he jumped into a taxi and, as he neared the base, he could hear a brass band playing, then saw a red carpet rolled out. Who could that be for, he wondered. Himself, as it turned out."

Off the telly

AND how many of you are guilty of this as TV presenter Richard Osman comments on I'm A Celebrity by arguing: "I love people saying, 'I don't recognise ANY of these people' as if we'll think it makes them sound clever."

Football crazy

MANY of us have met people like this as Ian Baillie in Alexandria comments on our stories about amateur and BB fitba': "When I played in the Robert Gordon's Institute School of Librarianship team we were short of players and someone brought along a teammate from his Aberdeen amateur side who drove some of us to the game and en route had a motoring dispute with an inoffensive fellow driver whom he dragged from his car and threw across the bonnet while we cowered inside.

"And during the game he assaulted our young goalkeeper for not letting him take a free-kick.

"A short time later I saw this same character in the locker room of my Milngavie golf club and I fled in panic."

Birthday surprise

"HAD a feeling of panic in the chemist's the other week," a Glasgow gold club member was telling his pals in the bar. "Did you forget your wallet?" asked a fellow player.

"No, it was when I was picking up the wife's prescription and the chemist asked me what her date of birth was."

Shining example

YES, it's The Budget tomorrow, and a Hyndland reader who sees the headline "Government to pledge 300,000 homes a year" on the BBC news website comments: "Now that's some amount of polishing."

Don't label her

AH the joys of being a grandparent. A Milngavie reader says he was under instruction to attend his granddaughter's fourth birthday party at a giant indoor play-centre where he marvelled at how street-wise she had already become. He recounts: "The star of the day was playing up somewhat to say the least, and after not paying attention to any of the adults she was told by her grandmother, 'If you don't come back right now I'll take that present straight back to the shop'. 'You're too late Grandma,' she replied, 'I've taken the label off'."

Churchillian response

WE like the comment of actor Simon Callow in this week's Radio Times who said he couldn't believe that the younger generation, the so-called Millennials, are not having as much sex as previous generations. Said Simon: "They remind me of what Field Marshall Montgomery said to Churchill, 'I don't drink, I don't smoke, I eat moderately. I'm celebrating my 80th birthday tomorrow'. And Churchill said, 'How?'"

Getaway with you

AND for sheer daftness, a Dennistoun reader emails: "My wife and I were invited to a fancy dress party and we went as a pair of bank robbers. I thought it was a great party – but the wife was less keen, as she was stuck in the car keeping the engine running."