ALL HAIL BANANA RAMA

IN September 1987, President Ronald Reagan gave a speech as slick as his Brylcreemed barnet to the United Nations General Assembly. No-one knows who wrote this memorable address on societal unity, but we can be pretty sure it wasn’t Ronnie himself, a man who had just green-lighted the supply of arms to both sides of the Iran-Iraq war.

In an oft-quoted stanza, the former actor ruefully emoted: “I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world.”

The Herald:

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Nearly 30 years to the day of that lament, the world failed miserably to unite under such peril when news broke of our first-ever detected alien visitor – a suspected meteorite from another galaxy – entering the solar system.

It is perhaps understandable why the world collectively shrugged its shoulders when a telescope in Hawaii detected this highly-unusual astral object. UFO cults castrating themselves don’t count. Admittedly, little else mattered that week than how sweaty Ant McPartlin would get coming off painkillers in the jungle.

The news did, however, send a collective shiver through the spines of science-fiction fans – and for good reason. In Arthur C Clarke’s famed 1973 novel Rendezvous With Rama, an alien starship is at first mistaken for an asteroid when it visits the solar system. A more curious coincidence was that the meteorite ( Sunday name 1I/2017 U1) actually did resemble its fictional counterpart – being a highly unusual long, elongated object. So let’s call it Banana Rama.

Observations show that it is about 400m long, 40m wide and travelling at a rate of 196,000mph. “It’s curious that the first object we see from outside the solar system looks like that,” admitted Avi Loeb, professor of astronomy at Harvard University.

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And this week, Banana Rama made headlines again. Had astronomers spotted “£350 million a week for the NHS” or a Banksy on its side? No, but the PR-savvy lot at the global SETI (Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence) programme Breakthrough Listen did announce they will scan Banana Rama for alien radio signals. Just in case it’s an extra-terrestrial cruiseship for bored Zeti-Reculian housewives. At the time of going to press, there’s been nary a crackle.

Since SETI was formed in the 1970s, it’s been widely believed that radio waves are the most effective method for alien hunting as the frequencies can easily pass through interstellar dust and gas. Other potential communication methods are limited by our present understanding of physics, but it’s likely we’ll one day use another part of the electro-magnetic spectrum to reach out to the stars – perhaps gravitational waves or even some instantaneous contact through the weirdness of quantum entanglement. At the moment though we’re left with the same tech that beams Chris Evans’s voice into our homes. Well, your homes. Someone’s homes.

If radio waves are detected from Banana Rama, it might be a good idea to befriend Elon Musk so you can get a shot on his big rocket out of here. Like Professor Stephen Hawking recently warned, aliens will likely not be on a five-year mission to seek out new life and boldly go where no-one has gone before. They will likely be looking for habitable planets with resources to drain and inhabitants to wipe out.

Even if Reagan’s doomy lyricism was typical divide-and-conquer grand posturing and extraterrestrials turn out to be friendly, we should still avoid contact at all costs – if only to avoid the crippling embarrassment when they land in America and inevitably ask: “Take me to your leader.”

FRANCE DECLARES WAR

IF you read the Murdoch press – perhaps you’ve clicked the wrong button to end up here – then your perception of “The French” may be somewhat skewed. Being occupied by Nazis and refusing to back an illegal war in Iraq has not won the country much favour among the jingoistic cheeky chappies at The Sun.

Famed “Up Yours Delors” headline aside, telling the former EU commissioner to “Frog off” certainly excreted a nasty whiff of blinkered xenophobia towards our continental cousins. The right-wing press are not alone in their anti-French propaganda – even The Simpsons got in on the act with their “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” trope which lives on in the hearts and mouths of prejudiced morons everywhere.

But it seems this none-too-subtle slander has finally riled the French. In particular, shiny new President Emmanuel Macron – who is intent on turning round perceptions of his people being a bit hesitant when it comes to locking horns with their fellow man. In turbulent times, the unlikeliest of heroes often rise – and France, it seems, is now leading the righteous march against right-wing insanity, by declaring war on post-Trump America.

The Herald:

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This is a subtle, whispered war, however. No blood will be shed, yet the mission is grand in scope – to weaken the foundations of America’s entire intellectual framework. Clearly an astute battlefield strategist, President Macron, right, is currently attempting to purge the USA of its best minds with his announcement of new $70 million climate-focused research grants. It’s no coincidence that 13 of these 18 global awards have been awarded to American scientists. Already dubbed the “Make Our Planet Great Again” grants, their official aim is to mitigate the destructive effects of the US federal government’s recent swingeing cuts in scientific funding. “France and Europe will be the place where we will decide how to make our planet great again,” Macron recently quipped to an audience in Paris.

Historically, brain drains are a predictable consequence of any country’s lurch to the right, and several recent precedents illustrate the damage dealt to nationalistic ambitions when your best minds have been lost to the enemy. Certainly the Nazis’ purge of Jewish academic talent in the 1930s cost them the intellectual edge in the race to create the first atom bomb.

Chiming with the theme of history repeating itself, one golden rule of US politics is that under-fire Republican administrations will inevitably announce a plan to go back to the moon. It’s a cheap and cynical ploy designed to divert the populace’s attention with illusionary aspirations towards endeavour, ambition and hope. And right on cue, Trump last week announced a mission to the moon. And Mars too. Why not Venus, Donald? No, it’s not just a ladies’ razor. Maybe his nominee for the top gig at Nasa, Jim Bridenstine, could explain it to him – a climate-change denier with no scientific experience who called homosexuality immoral.

The truth is, Macron probably didn’t need to take any action. America’s scientific community was headed for implosion long before his carrot on a stick. Donald Trump has wasted no time replacing some of the country’s greatest scientific minds with his bowling chums.

It’s clear the USA is on course for a truly dystopian meltdown that’s highly likely to seep out of American borders and eventually become a huge pain in Uranus too. Good time to stock up on those tinned goods.

PROGRESS IN THE WRITE DIRECTION

IT’S easy to understand why lawyers, financial advisers, GPs and bankers view AI in a similar way to Sarah Connor when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s terminator appeared at her door with an Uzi 9mm.

Any industry which relies on the client-facing analysis of facts should be fearful of tomorrow’s world – undoubtedly there’ll soon be tech that tells you how fast your Bitcoin stocks are rocketing in the same monotone it breaks the news you have incurable cancer. In that instance … sell. You’ll quite easily fund the cure.

Those fortunate enough to be employed by what are called the creative industries – the painters, poets, writers and musicians of the world – perhaps feel the human brain will always have the edge to when it comes producing art. The wildly successful JK Rowling must feel secure that she won’t be doing the full monty down the Jobcentre any time soon.

But maybe one day. The new Harry Potter novel arrived this week – but it wasn’t written by its creator.

The Herald:

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The intriguingly-titled Harry Potter And The Portrait Of What Looked Like A Large Pile Of Ash was fired out by an AI program funded by entertainment group Botnik Studios, fed on nothing but the style, prose and plots of Potter novels.

Reading like Rowling fed through a black hole burped out by James Joyce, a typical sentence reads: “The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that said ‘Hermione Has Forgotten How to Dance,’ so Hermione dipped his face in mud.”

Surrealism then adopts a darker hue: “The castle grounds snarled with a wave of magically magnified winds. The sky outside was a great black ceiling, which was full of blood.”

As Neil from The Young Ones would say, heavy.

Then true darkness descends. “Ron was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family. Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest.”

Let’s hope this is the first movie in the Potter franchise with an 18 certificate. Perhaps Tarantino can direct. How long before all lazy writers use such AI programs France Rama {self-satisfied sarcasm here} alien Trump rocket Nasa syntax error reboot reboot REBOOT