BEING a kindly and public-spirited sort of chiel I often ponder ways in which I might be of some rudimentary use to the Scottish Government.

Even if the Tories were somehow to attain power in some parallel universe I’d still remain on hand to suggest ways in which they could govern in the best interests of the nation; perhaps a foodbank Happy Hour or a weekly Supermarket Sweep for well-behaved people in some of Glasgow’s edgier communities.

I’ve noticed that each summer the SNP likes to host gatherings of its elected representatives across all circles of government in Scotland. I’m told these are jolly but industrious affairs as the tribunes gather for presentations on policy and muse over the latest technical wizardry for winkling out floating voters street by street. Suitably refreshed and re-energised they venture forth from these summer schools emboldened and with the fire in their bellies rekindled; eager once more to face down the fell forces of the Union.

Last summer, (or was it the one before) several of their number joined with policy eager-beavers from the other Holyrood parties to attend a summer school in America to learn about leadership from some US political philosophers. Usually these are provided by a number-cruncher with a Hollywood name who claimed to have “won it for Clinton” or “turned the tide for Obama”. On such boasts as these a fellowship at Harvard usually hangs and the worship of hundreds of overseas political devotees. Politics being a wild and passionate environment I’m also told that the sweet and heady perfume of romance hangs heavy in the air.

At this summer’s Scottish Government political awareness symposium I’d like to propose a day of seminars on the subject of Glasgow. It would help, I think, to address some glaring deficiencies in the SNP’s knowledge of Scotland’s biggest and arguably most important city. Admittedly, Glasgow doesn’t possess a Walt Disney castle and a multi-billion-pound toy tram service in its heart and nor does it offer real estate opportunities for your shrewd MSPs seeking to make the most of their mortgage allowances. But its tax revenues, educational establishments, hospitality sector and leisure industries are vital to the wellbeing of the nation. I’d be quite happy to come along to this year’s brain’s trust and give them a wee lesson about Glasgow and not a twinkly powerpoint about all the new breeze-block student pods currently disfiguring the heart of the city. I’d even wear a ponytail and red corduroys to blend in and donate my fee to a suitable charity like the struggling Friends of Runrig.

The latest in Holyrood’s Let’s Play at Solving Glasgow series came last week. It was a not so jolly wheeze aimed at addressing the city’s culture of ruinous drinking and doubtless well-intended. This one aims to stop new pubs and other licensed premises opening in districts of Glasgow traditionally associated with problem drinking. Previous chapters in the series have included: Happy Hour No More and The Buckie Stops Here. It’s what happens when an assortment of middle class types start to feel guilt pangs about the fact that after more than a century of democracy in one of the world’s richest nations poor people have remained poor in all the same neighbourhoods and keep dying prematurely of the same diseases. It’s like believing that you can treat a persistent arsonist by locking up matches and lighters or the causes of promiscuity by making everyone wear bin-bags.

Related to the theme of Keep Glaswegians off the Swally was the Offensive Behaviour at Football Act. This was also well-intentioned but merely provided some of the knuckle-draggers among Glasgow’s boys in blue to slake their anti-Irish tendencies by targeting young football fans for singing rebel songs. As with the clumsy and childish attempts at curbing problem drinking it betrayed astonishing ignorance of the deep-rooted social problems underpinning these issues. Rather than drive at the heart of these with bold and imaginative initiatives the Scottish Government simply seeks to take away the toys and hope they get lucky or wait until Brexit arrives so that they can blame everything on that. The areas where the problems of sectarianism and disastrous drinking occur most persistently are also those which have encountered a solid century of deprivation and health inequality with no interruption.

In January of this year the End Child Poverty Coalition, an initiative made up of charities, faith groups and trade unions, reported that 45% of children in Glasgow’s city centre were living in poverty. The figures made it one of poorest constituencies in the UK. By comparison, West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine had the fewest children in poverty at 9.2%. A child was deemed to be poor if their family had less than £248 a week to spend after housing costs, a figure that is less than 60% of median household income in the UK.

This week it was revealed that in Scotland 20% of adults and 25% of children are now living in poverty, the highest number since the period between 2002 and 2005. The figures are also a rebuke to Conservative politicians who are never slow to trumpet any apparent decreases in unemployment. The recent, wretched phenomenon of in-work poverty was highlighted by the depressing statistic that two thirds of Scottish children live in households where at least one member earns a wage. It hardly needed to be stated that the wealthiest 10 per cent of Scots enjoyed the largest rises in income. Glasgow, where a gap of 20 years in life expectancy and billions of pounds in healthcare exists between its poorest and richest citizens, bears the brunt of this poverty holocaust.

The Scottish Government simply can’t continue to act in such a paternalistic and judgmental manner to the Glasgow Problem. Nicola Sturgeon is head of a cabinet where Glasgow is woefully under-represented. Only one Cabinet Secretary was born and raised in the city and only two, including the First Minister, represent Glasgow constituencies. This issue would be addressed by appointing a Cabinet Minister for Glasgow who would plead for the city at Cabinet and reinforce the administration at the city council. If they were serious about addressing the problems that are killing my city they would appoint a politically non-aligned figure whose primary job would be to encourage the Scottish Government to use all of its devolved welfare powers to meet its targets on reducing inequality. My city is sick and in dire need; banning pubs and dodgy songs simply won’t cut it.