Zip it

A READER at his Ayrshire golf club tells us a fellow member confessed he was not really paying attention when his wife returned from a shopping trip to Glasgow and announced that she had bought a new dress. He glanced up from watching the Masters on the telly and said, 'I like the zip down the front. Very sexy.' His wife shouted back, 'that's the garment bag it's in you idiot'."

Driven to distraction

OUR bus driver stories remind James Scott of being on the shuttle bus in Edinburgh that runs between the city's galleries when three Morningside ladies got on and asked the driver how much it was. "It's free," he replied. One lady, not sure what he said, asked: "Three pounds?" "No, it's free," he again told them. At that one of the other ladies joined in: "Three pounds each?" with the third chiming in: "I thought this was a courtesy bus." The driver took a deep breath and tried: "It's for nothing. Get on."

Cut above

MAIRI Clark passes an office in Maryhill which has a sign outside stating that studio workshops are available to let. The sign states there is "24 hour axes". She assumes it is a mis-spelling of "access", but being Maryhill...

Having an itch

THE death of Barbara Bush, the former First Lady in America, was covered in our sister paper USA Today which recalled one incident: "Mrs Bush described Geraldine Ferraro, her husband's opponent for vice president in 1984, 'I can't say it, but it rhymes with rich'. She later apologised, and said she had the word 'witch' in mind."

Type-cast

WE are well down memory lane here as a Lenzie reader, after our picture of the letter addressed to Mr H. E. Rald at our office, recalled the days of manual typewriters. Touch-typing secretaries had to position their fingers on specific keys, and, says our reader: "I worked in an office where the boss's secretary typed very fast rarely looking at her keyboard. One day a letter was returned marked 'Address Unknown'. It was immediately obvious that the secretary had missed the guide keys and typed every thing at least one character out of alignment. Angrily, she demanded of the office junior, 'Why on earth did you post it with that terrible jumble of letters?' to which the junior replied, 'I thought it was somewhere in Wales'."

Hard to swallow

OUR tales of B&Bs remind Willie McLean in Dumbarton: "Two driving examiners sent to a Scottish island were staying at a large guest house in the attic bedrooms. The rooms were not en suite, and when they retired for the night they realised the toilets were on the ground floor. One of them decided that rather than go down and back up three flights of stairs he would do the necessary from the attic window. At breakfast they complimented the owner on the quality of the tea, and he told them, 'I tell my clients that it's not the tea it's the water. We use the rainwater from the roof which we collect in the big butt in the garden'."

Might take off

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from David Clark in Tarbolton who says: "A friend told me that he'd heard Greggs were going to be starting drone deliveries.

"I think it's pie in the sky myself."

Wheely bad

STILL much anger and amusement - depending on which team you support - over the tame way Rangers gave up in their cup game against Celtic. As Lindsay Young in Bishopbriggs asks: "Is it true that Glasgow Rangers are now a Wagon Wheel team - not as big as they used to be?"