PAY ATTENTION YOU STUPID BOY

The BBC and the UK Government conspired last week in an epic sting on the SNP Government, appropriately orchestrated by the tarantula-keeping defence minister Gavin Williamson. It was announced in a blaze of publicity – and breathlessly by BBC Scotland’s fresh-faced Private Pike, Nick Eardley – that squaddies in Scotland, who were having to pay more tax because they were based here, would get the money back. And that this would cost the public purse around £4 million a year. If it wasn’t such a discredited cliché I’d call it fake news.

This was all kicked off by football referee and Tory MP Douglas Ross who argued that changes to the income tax threshold where soldiers in Scotland begin to pay more than their English compatriots was £24,000 a year. It isn’t. While the tax rate does go up from from 20 per cent to 21 per cent the actual amount payable does not, through a combination of an increase in personal allowance and a drop in the lower tax rate to 19 per cent. It’s at around £32,000 that the increase comes in. Those earning below £24k (and granted there aren’t many) pay less tax here.

There are 9,970 military personnel in Scotland and, according to Williamson, 70 per cent will be affected which, if you accept his gross figure, means the average refund will be just over £570 year. If so there must be a huge number of the top brass earning bucketloads because you’d have to earn well over £50,000 to be hit by that amount of tax.

Then there are all of the other benefits that they receive, like cheaper council tax, subsidised meals as well as free prescriptions, education, childcare provision and other welfare benefits they don't get in England. Eardley and Williamson, you're dismissed.

THE GREAT COMMONS COVER-UP

In yet another vote for opacity the House of Commons agreed during the week not to publish the names of MPs who are being investigated by parliament’s sleaze watchdog. Within minutes the cover-up began and the two names on the outstanding list were removed from the website of the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards. Seventy-nine MPs, most of them Tory, voted for anonymity, a majority of 57 – which is also a damning judgment on the lack of interest, or attendance, by our elected members. This was passed despite the chair of the Committee on Standards, Sir Kevin Barron, opposing it, together with all of the seven lay members who concluded, “Any proposals to limit this approach [transparency] would be a detrimental step in continuing to build the credibility of the reputation of the House.” Quite.

For the record the two MPs under investigation are the oleaginous Keith Vaz, Labour MP for Leicester East, and Tory Robert Courts, who inherited the ultra-safe seat of Witney, which David Cameron sloughed off last year. Vaz has been under investigation for two years for allegedly bringing the House into contempt. This relates to his involvement with male prostitutes and his filmed discussion about buying cocaine with a rent boy. Vaz subsequently issued a public apology. The parliamentary investigation was on hold until March this year due to some unknown medical condition Vaz was suffering from, which didn’t stop him from visiting Saudi Arabia and India. Courts alleged misdemeanour is considerably less serious. He’s accused of using his office stationary for political purposes, which he denies.

IT'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY

The world’s oldest amusement park is a fitting venue for the annual World Santa Claus Congress, which opens tomorrow at Brakken outside of Copenhagen. It’s billed as “Christmas in July” and more than a 100 authorised Santas from across the globe will be meeting to discuss issues relating to their work, ho, ho, ho!. Which opens a veritable sack of questions. Just who authorises them? Is there a greater Santa power? Do they discuss what to do about Rudolph and that flaming proboscis? Do they bring presents for each other? Do they have a slimming plan for accessing those ever-narrowing chimneys? Or is it rather more serious, like the criminal charged to avoid when sitting a child on your lap? Whatever the urgent questions for Santadom it will take three days to answer them. All attendees must wear uniform including stick-on beards if they don't have natural ones, not drink or smoke while in uniform and they can’t carry any advertising on their gowns even for toy shops or Sanatogen. There’s a different dress code for elves apparently. Santas will also get a free parking codes, for the sleighs I assume, elves will have to lump it.

WOLFMAN DAVE

I hadn’t heard of the Glasgow-born photographer David Yarrow until last week when two of his prints of grizzled Montana mountain men, barmaids and the obligatory wolf sold for £140,000, the proceeds to Sir Tom Hunter’s charity. Yarrow has raised more than $1m for good causes through the sale of his works. He specialises in wildlife photography, following Robert Capa’s mantra that if your pictures aren’t good enough then you aren’t close enough. One of his techniques, with a remote-controlled camera, is to smear the body – the camera that is – in scent to attract the animals. Here at Herald Towers we stick to the tried and tested method of 70-proof spirit. Yarrow is the son of Eric, who used to run the family business, building large ships on the Clyde. The boy also dated Elizabeth Hurley. That’s quite enough about him.

YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR HUMOUR

I don’t know who the New Town Flaneur is on Twitter but he’s hilarious. His shtick is about Edinburgh New Town residents, often in red trews, who are fighting to preserve their exclusivity and sense of entitlement against the incursions of the dastardly and déclassé Fifers. Who’d have thought someone from Edinburgh had a sense of humour?

WIKIPEDIA HEALTH WARNING

I have pointed out before on how easy it is to alter profiles or create fake ones on Wikipedia. Take the case of Tinotenda Chibharo who allegedly plays for FC Sloboda Uzice in the Serbian First Division. I say allegedly because not much about this Zimbabwean-born player is true, if he even exists. He is said to be the youngest of a family of 11 and was brought to England by Manchester City where he captained the Under-21 side. Except he didn’t. Nor is it true that because he couldn’t make the first team there he came to Scotland to play for Ranjurs – presumably Rangers – and then to Kilmarnock, where not only was he a regular but also holds the club’s scoring record with 154 goals. He didn’t and he doesn’t. It's all made up. This is all quite amusing but it also underlines the health warning about Wiki and how easy it is to manipulate.