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What is it aboot the SNP that attracts support fae radges that canny vote?

Finally, after weeks ay non-stories, the Scottish election huz kicked off wi Alex Salmond and Iain Gray hiding from each other in an Asda in Ardrossan.

Supposedly Big Ek wis in getting a two-for-one on Vienettas while shoutin tae the Asda staff that in an independent Scotland, the self-service machines would work nae problem.

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A second later, Iain Gray, who wiz in tae get some Lucozade cos he’s knackered fae runnin away fae folk, sees Ek, gets a flashback tae Central Station, hides behind a family pack ay Cheesy Pasta then does whit he kens best, n bolts. Course accordin tae Labour he never ran, he just walked oot. Oh, Iain.

Nae doubt aboot it though, Big Alex is feelin confident – tae the point that folk were sayin the SNP put oan an illegal free party tae get folk tae vote fir thum, and he got some bloke called Midge Ure tae play some tunes. Midge wiz big news in the 1980s cos he wiz in a band called Ultravox who hud a number one hit wi Vienetta – that’ll be why Alex goat him involved.

But while fir the SNP it’s just another day of getting the messages fae Asda and hostin 1980s-themed parties wi a boy named after an insect, Tavish Scott and the LibDems huv been getting stuck intae their Westminster flatmates, saying if they hudnae done a deal wi them last year the Conservatives would ay “burned Scotland at the stake”. How? I would like tae see the size o that stake – and the only place you could get a stake that big would be fae a massive tree and we all ken who’s goat the maist massive trees. Scotland, exactly – as if we’d sell a massive tree tae the Conservatives tae make a stake that we’d then get burnt oan. No on your witchy nelly! In any case, Tavish, if you kent that they were capable ay being that radge then why are you kickin aboot wi thum noo?

Talkin ay radge political parties, the one-man con-band Tommy Sheridan huz piped up fae Cell block H that if he could vote (he canny) but if he could (he canny) but, if he could (he canny!) he would vote fir the SNP. So ... Alan “Times Square” Cumming and now Tommy “Solitary” Sheridan: what is it aboot the SNP that attracts support fae radges that canny even vote? I canny wait tae see who they bring oot the bag next week: “A note today was found belonging to the Queen Mum that said if she wiz alive today, she too would vote for the SNP – the note also says that William huz done good considerin his baldy coupon.”

Course, this Scottish election isnae just aboot Scotland, it’s aboot England as well cos if the SNP and old Ek get their way, Hadrian’s wall’ll be getting a 60-minute makeover wi nae windows included, and Eddy Miliband n Nicky Cleggy ken this. That’s why they were up last week geein it laldy aboot lovin tablet and ginger beards. Say whit you like aboot them two idiots but ah dinny think you’d see them hiding fae each other in an Asda in Ardrossan – mainly cos they both shop in Waitrose. Fact. Huv a barry Sunday and I’ll see yous fir the final bit ay banter next week!

The election according to Gary: Tank Commander

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