He would tell me I was stupid, fat and ugly'

Senior Features Writer

Thursday 19 April 2012

It was on the drive home from work just before her 19th wedding anniversary that Anna's world imploded.

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health & wellbeing how i … learned to cope with my husband’s alcoholism marisa duffy

A woman on the radio was talking about her life, a life that made Anna bristle with recognition.

The woman was describing how her husband's illness pervaded every area of her life. Anna found herself crying uncontrollably at the wheel because the woman referred to the illness by name. At that moment Anna realised that her beloved husband Harvey wasn't depressed or stressed, he was an alcoholic.

With hindsight Anna, 57, sees she had been in denial for years but because Harvey could go periods without drinking and was rarely drunk in public she was able to keep her worst fears at bay."It's strange. I was looking at a diary I wrote around that time and on all the pages I had put a big black dot. I did that when he had bad days but I still thought it was post traumatic stress, depression, things along those lines."The couple met in the air force in Cyprus in 1983 and after they married were posted to Germany. Heavy social drinking was the norm. They subsequently moved to Fife and began to try for a family, a dream which was never realised. Anna started working for the NHS, while Harvey, an RAF officer, had a UN tour in Croatia during the Balkan conflict. "He really wanted to make a difference, but there were no good guys out there. He would walk along the street and children would spit at him and men would pistol whip him. He saw some dreadful things but he didn't talk about it."Back on civvy street he went to college but afterwards was unable to get a job. That is when Anna first noticed a change. She began to find bottles of vodka hidden around the house. Drinking fell into a pattern of weekly binges. For Anna, a full-time nurse, the abuse unleashed by alcohol was never physical, but mental. "He would tell me how stupid I was, how ugly and how fat and how I smelled."Unwilling to betray her husband by confiding in anyone, she felt "utterly wretched" and completely alone when she heard the woman on the radio mention Al-Anon, an organisation for loved ones of an alcoholic. That night Anna called them. There are 800 Al-Anon groups in the UK. Meetings are weekly, informal, free and confidential. For Anna, it was life-changing. "I walked in and it was amazing. I only remember bits but I did hear it was an illness. I did hear I hadn't caused it. I did hear I couldn't do anything about it. That I couldn't cure it and I couldn't control it."Nine years later she still attends. "I went to Al-Anon to find out how to stop him drinking. Of course that was the first thing I learned: they don't tell you, and they don't give advice. They listen. Don't interrupt. Don't judge." There are still remnants of their old life among the debris wreaked by alcoholism. Al-Anon has taught Anna how to cherish these. "I have to make sure I remember that the bad behaviour when he is drunk doesn't blind me to the fact that he is a very clever, caring, funny man and we do laugh and have a good time. "There is no way I'd be where I am today at work, emotionally or personally without Al-Anon. They empathise, they understand why I can't just leave, and that's a wonderful thing."It's a filthy, horrible illness in the middle of a human being; a human being who wanted to be an astronaut when he was a child. He never wanted to be an alcoholic."Names have been changed. ** www.al-anonuk.org.uk; helpline no. 020 7403 0888.

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He would tell me I was stupid, fat and ugly'

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