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Welcome to the Herald Diary newsletter by Lorne Jackson. Going strong for half a century, The Diary finds the sublime and the ridiculous in Scottish life.
📖👉 Send your jokes and observations to thediary@theherald.co.uk
The other day reader David Simpson was chatting to a pal who has recently returned to Glasgow after moving to the countryside with his wife a couple of years ago.
The pal admitted he came back because living in the sticks proved to be dull and lonely, and he and his wife had nothing to chat about.
“You can’t blame the countryside for that,” countered David. “That’s marriage.”
"Bingo wings" is a rather derogatory phrase that initially became popular in the 1990s, and refers to the loose flesh underneath a person’s arms that tends to wiggle and jiggle when the limbs are raised aloft.
The epithet derives from the regular occurrence of this phenomenon in the bingo hall, where the arms of excitable competitors are endlessly flailing about, much like an octopus’s tentacles.
Reader Angela Black was clothes shopping with a gal pal who tried on a T-shirt, then groaned despairingly: “Oh, I’ll have to go on a diet! Would you just look at my flamingo wigs.”
Angela decided not to correct her chum’s phraseology.
“After all,” she says, “flamingo wings sounds much nicer than bingo wings.”
Geography teacher Jason Grant was once discussing with a first-year class the Scottish landscape, which inspired one inquisitive young scholar to thrust an eager hand in the air before asking: “Sir, do you think Loch Ness really exists?”
Jason could only reply: “Um, that’s not the part of the Loch Ness mystery that’s up for debate.”
Chris Robertson, who spotted this sign, points out that it’s hard to argue with the facts, and the logic is also immaculate.
The Diary asked our contributors to imagine a daring yet kindly cat burglar who only breaks into houses to steal objects that will mildly inconvenience his victims.
Yesterday one of our readers concluded that the crook would probably nab her indolent husband, who never completes any household chores and therefore wouldn’t be missed.
Upon reading this, David Donaldson says: “That’s not breaking and entering - it’s daylight slobbery.”
On social media Glasgow comedian Ray Bradshaw admits he’s in a bit of a quandary.
“When I’m in Germany for the Euros I’m missing my son’s nursery graduation, my wedding anniversary and my wife’s birthday,” he winces, adding hopefully: “In other news, if anyone can get me Taylor Swift tickets for June 9th at Murrayfield it might stop my wife from leaving me. This is a genuine cry for help!”
Food for thought. Culinary-minded reader Kay Reid tells us: “I served a chicken curry yesterday. Turns out they prefer corn.”
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