I’ve been forced into this grim conclusion by the latest antics of this silly little man I’m seeing, the Kinky Doctor.
I knew the grubby seaside town in which he lived, so I raised an eyebrow. I didn’t want to be rude but – c’mon – a mansion? In that poky wee place? As we’d say at school when someone was exaggerating, aye, bowdy!
I knew he’d have no idea what ‘bowdy’ meant, so I just politely ventured that it was probably not a mansion.
Insulted, he brought my laptop over and begged me to open Google Streetview so he could show me the mansion. I tapped in his postcode, and it appeared.
Take my coat off carefully, making sure The Chief isn’t around. Go quietly through to the canteen and make instant coffee. Don’t go upstairs for a fancy latte because then I’d have to ask if he could go one. Peek out across the office floor. The coast’s clear. Slide into my seat without The Chief seeing me. Roll up the sleeves. Turn the computer on. Quiet as you like. Not giving anything away, not me. Nope, there’s nothing weird going on here. Got a poker face on me. Sip my coffee. Nothing wrong with me. And even if there was, I wouldn’t tell him.
Well, I would sneer if I still had the ability to experience emotion, but the medication has removed that from me. It’s snuffed out the suffocating panic I used to feel whenever I strayed too far from my front door and I no longer cringe when my phone rings. Even thinking about the Clown produces a vast nothing. It’s like a sound without an echo. I summon up a memory of him and wait for the crash in my heart but there’s just silence.
My sister – The Bambino – had been accepted into university and we were to meet for lunch to celebrate. I immediately thought of money - the ever-wearying subject of money. Can I afford to get her a present? How much will lunch cost? Add some drinks to that. Can’t get a train, so I’ll need to walk it. Can I maybe afford a taxi? Not if I want to get her a present.
I grumbled aloud about not being able to get her something nice. The Kinky Doctor saw his chance and leapt on it.