TRANSPORT Minister and Paisley MP Douglas Alexander, pictured, quoted in The Herald this week about the dangers of using your mobile phone while driving, stated: "It's impossible to do two things at once and do them well."
Reader Ken MacColl in Oban asks: "Is this the same Douglas Alexander who combines the job of Transport Minister with that of Secretary of State for Scotland?"
As ithers fail to see us BURNS Day today, of course. Les Wilson was idly looking through his Collins Diary and sees that under January 25 it states: "In 1938 the Northern Lights were seen as far south as London."
And Les thinks to himself: "No mention of Burns, but there was once a faint glimmer in the sky over London." Latest nickname for the stretch limos seen meandering through Glasgow with screeching dervishes inside bawling inanities out of the window? Proles-Royces.
Inside information READER Willie Maley in Ayr tells us of First Minister Jack McConnell telling a trade union conference last week that he had recently visited a school in Renfrewshire which had been refurbished. Jack then headed to the headteacher's office where he was going to do a radio interview and spotted the time-honoured classic of a young lad with his head in his hands on a seat outside the room waiting to see the headteacher.
Jack, being a former teacher himself, engaged the lad in conversation, trying to eke out of him what his misdemeanour had been. Eventually Jack told the boy that he was, in fact, in charge of all the prisons in Scotland.
The lad looked up and told Jack: "You'll know my big brother, then."
San Ferian, hen THANKS to the many readers who pointed out that San Ferian is a corruption of the French phrase ça ne fait rien and was brought back by Scottish soldiers from the First World War. It allowed Paul Cortopassi to recall the Scottish soldier asking the French farmer's daughter if she had any eggs.
"Douze?" she replied.
"Naw, hen's," he told her.
Glove's off "DO you know what golf and sex have in common?" asked the woman ordering wine by the bottle rather than the glass while meeting her friends in a west end bar at the weekend.
She then answered the question herself. "Men can enjoy them both without being any good at either of them."
A good egg A GAELIC fun website airsplaoid.co.uk was launched yesterday with student Derek MacLean dressed up as the site's cartoon character, Dwelly, a sort of large padded purple egg-shaped character. Being a student, Derek thought it would be good fun to go to the launch at the Glasgow Gaelic School in costume - until he got wedged in the door of the bus he tried to catch. As he struggled to get on, the driver suggested he try some other form of transport, which is why a large purple egg was seen trying to flag down a taxi with no success.
Eventually, Derek had to remove his headgear to convince a taxi driver that he was a genuine passenger as even in Glasgow, large purple eggs trying to hail a taxi are still a rare commodity.
Fine and dandy NEWS from Kilmarnock Sheriff Court, where a young chap in the latest designer sportswear arrived at the public counter to ask where he could pay a £10 instalment on a fine he had received.
Staff who directed him next door were stunned when he then asked: "And do I get travelling expenses from Kilwinning?"
Bless. They should just have waived the fine rather than putting him to all that trouble. Already selling on eBay - a pair of gent's underpants salvaged from the wrecked container ship Napoli. We suspect, though, that the top bid of £150 is someone pulling the wool over the seller's eyes.
Last of the Lennons WE must end John Lennon's tributes to Scotland, where he enjoyed many a holiday, with the early working titles of his songs: Alloa you need is Love (Dave King) Do You Want To Know A Selkirk? (Dave King) Magical Menstrie Tour (Gordon Black) Gallus Guy (Johnny Miller) Denny Lane (Derek Miller) Ticket To Clyde (Hank Rodgers) Eleanor Riddrie (Alexander Craig)
