A CANADIAN delegate to the Robert Burns World Federation annual conference in Peebles at the weekend was discussing connections with Scotland, and said a police officer from Aberdeen was once interviewed for a similar post in Calgary.

When a member of the interview panel asked: “How would you disperse an unruly crowd?” the Scottish constable replied: “Well back home in Aberdeen, an officer would remove his hat, motion to take a collection, and say they were collecting for the station Christmas party.”

Try again

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A FOURSOME finishing their round at Alness Golf Club glanced at the TV screen where the latest Rugby World Cup game between Wales and South Africa was being played. One of the players excitedly announced: “Hey, Wales are doing well. Up 60-12 against the reigning champions!”

“No Jimmy,” replied a playing companion. “That’s the game timer you’re looking at – the scores are above it.”

Cold comfort

A READER tells us he had just returned from a two-day conference when his wife told him: “I’ve got a surprise for you in the bedroom.”

Sadly his hopes were cruelly dashed when she added: “I’ve put the winter quilt on”.

Power play

WE asked for your student tales to mark the unis going back, and Robert Gair, now in Hertfordshire, recalls Strathclyde’s halls of residence on Great Western Road in the 1960s that had coin-operated meters for the heating.

Says Robert: “An enterprising student prised open the top of his meter so he could get at the coins underneath. When they were short of cash on Mondays they would simply borrow money from the meter and repay it on a Friday. Things went well for several months until the manager emptied the meters and found a ten bob note inside one of them.”


BOB Gardner tells us his pal is a great cricket fan, and has the stack of three mail trays on his office desk labelled “In” “Out” and “LBW.”

When anyone asks what LBW stands for, he tells them: “Let the b******* wait.”

Language barrier

SHIPYARD tales remind us of the pay negotiations at the old John Brown’s yard where a shop steward declared: “Ah’ve tellt ye ... nae mair moolah, the bears are oot!”

An American executive turned to a local colleague for elucidation, only to be told: “Basically, he’s sayin’ the ba’s on the slates.”

Two tickets for next month’s 40th anniversary concert of the UCS work-in for the best shipyard story.

Brest or breast

“I wanted to book a holiday in the South of France,” said the chap in the pub. “But the wife wants to spend the money on having a boob job,”

“So.” said his mate, “it’s Monte Carlo or bust?”