AN AYRSHIRE reader tells us about a recent meeting of Fort Seafield and Wallacetown Community Council where concern was raised about a homowner installing a large trampoline in his front garden in a conservation area, which some locals felt was an eyesore.

We don’t know how serious local councillor Bill Grant was when he remarked: “What a pity. This area has been coming up in leaps and bounds.”

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ACTOR, and serial Burns-portrayer, John Cairney, tells in his just-published book about his lifelong love affair with Celtic, The Sevenpenny Gate, of being Celtic’s celebrity team-member on BBC sports quiz Quizball. There were graduates on the Celtic team, but Willie Wallace had to make up the numbers after someone called off.

Recalls John: “‘Wispy’ hadn’t opened his mouth, so we arranged to leave one question to him. It was ‘Who or what is a garryowen?’ We all knew it was a kick from the hands to score in rugby, but looked at Wispy to respond.

“He gulped, pressed his buzzer, and whispered tentatively, ‘The racing correspondent of the Daily Record?’”

Rock of ages

AMERICAN rockers REM have announced they are splitting up after 30 years. Or as one music fan cynically asked: “When do the REM reunion concert tickets go on sale?”

Pit stop

OUR sarcastic Chic Murray story reminded a Glasgow lawyer of a client some years ago who had spent all his money on a bike to compete in the Isle of Man TT races.

Says our lawyer: “Unhappily he came off at a bend far out in the country, his bike a wreck. He trudged across fields and came to a pub.

“He stood with a pint, contemplating his lost investment. A local, spotting his tattered leathers and crash helmet asked, ‘What happened, did you have a crash?’

“‘No, I was so far ahead I decided to come in for a drink,’ he bitterly replied.”

Cultural exchange

FRESHERS’ week continued. A student tells us that stars from the TV show The only Way Is Essex appeared at Abertay University’s freshers’ week in Dundee.

We don’t want to stereotype overly tanned folk from Essex but one asked: “What currency do you have here in Scotland?” while another piped up: “Do you get wasps in Scotland as I’m scared of wasps.”

Vision on

“I DON’T like to think,” declared a student on Byres Road, “about all the time I’ve wasted on Twitter which I could have spent watching television.”