A SOUTH side reader catching the bus into town claims there were a young couple at the bus stop who didn't get on the bus he was boarding.

The driver looked over at them and shouted: “Are you two getting on?”

“Naw we hate each other,” one of them shouted back.

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A poor old soul

RETIRED Glasgow police officer Harry Morris, in the latest instalment of his Harry the Polis series of books about the force, tells of the ned from Govanhill who called Gorbals police office and said: “I just saw a poor old woman fall over on the ice today, right outside the chippie.

“At least I think she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse.”

Lost in translation

AND our stories about the late Tory politician, lawyer and bon viveur Sir Nicholas Fairbairn reminds retired police officer Ronnie McAlpine of beign on duty at the High Court building in Glasgow when a “typical wee drunken Glasgow bauchle” weaved his way through the front door holding a cairry-oot. Frank and his partner got hold of him, and were about to propel him back out of the door when Sir Nicholas walked in and enquired of the drunk: “Sir, do you require legal representation?”

Recalls Ronnie: “The little chap answered him back with what was an obvious obscene remark, although in a language unknown to my colleague and I.”

On the move

FRANK Eardley sees the STV headline that Rangers were exploring the possibility of leaving the SPL, and thinks to himself: “Perchance by going into administration and joining the Third Division?”

Wildlife spotting

OUR story of Scots telling tall tales to gullible English colleagues reminds Ronnie Buchan of his daughter Kirsty applying for a job in Newmarket. The application form included the question: “If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?” She replied: “A haggis, so that I can roam the beautiful hills of Scotland.”

Says Ronnie: “Out of the hundreds of applications she was invited in for an interview to be told, ‘We only invited you in to see if you really believed there was such a thing as a haggis’. She quickly replied, ‘I only put that in to see if you did’.

“She got the job by the way.”

Odd man out

IN A Glasgow company canteen, a worker told his colleagues: “I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless idiot, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees and divert attention away from any management failings.

“What rubbish! I’ve looked around the whole office, and none of you fit that description.”

Fly away

EDINBURGH reader Norman Clements was on a flight to Nice when he heard the stewardess tell a fellow passenger the memorable line, that although the shifts were long, she enjoyed her job, as the time just flew by.