VETERAN left-winger Tony Benn was guest speaker at the concert in Glasgow to mark the 40th anniversary of the UCS shipyard occupation.

Benn was mobbed by so many well-wishers you would think he was a rock star. Unlike rock stars his “rider” for appearing at the Mitchell Theatre show did not have the usual claims for exotic bottles of vodka, fresh flowers or Smarties with the blue ones removed. His contract simply listed that his dressing room should be furnished with a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.

Pack it in

Loading article content

A READER swears that a doctor in Ayrshire was trying to get a patient to live a healthier life by telling him: “If you want to live a lot longer, you’ll have to stop smoking.”

“Oh I’m too old for that to do any good,” the patient replied.

But the doctor was emphatic: “It’s never too late to stop.”

“Oh well then,” replied the patient, “I’ve plenty time left to stop some other time.”

Beauty tip

A CLARKSTON reader at Glasgow’s Central Station watched a young gum-chewing woman with her dyed blonde hair harshly scraped back from her face and tied in a bun, walk past two chaps who eyed her up.

After she had passed, one of them told his mate: “That’s what they call a Castlemilk face lift.”

Romantic gesture

READER Ronnie Dillin in East Kilbride had to spell his name out phonetically to a travel firm’s call centre worker as his surname is frequently spelled as Dillon unless he is quite specific. So he told her: “R Dillin. Romeo, Delta, India, Lima, Lima, India, November.”

He thought he had done rather well until the woman replied: “I’ve never spoken to someone called Romeo before.”

Time travel

TALKING of call centres, Jim Clark at a firm in Perth received a phone call from his bank’s office in Liverpool where the chatty lady opened the conversation with: “What time is it where you are?”

He’s hoping she actually believed he works in Perth, Australia, rather than thinking Scotland is in a different time zone from south of the Border.

Planning ahead

RANGERS fans are still cocky after opening up a significant lead in the Scottish Premier League. One phones to tell us: “Someone in my office was organising our Christmas party, and was asking if I would be attending.

“But I had to decline, as it clashes with my supporters’ club four-in-a-row party.”

Fan makes a point

AND a Celtic supporter stopped for speeding the other day says he is going to write to the court saying he is happy to pay the £60 fine, but could they give the three points to Celtic?