A READER notes in the news story about British Transport Police in Scotland combatting metal thefts that the office in charge is Chief Superintendent Ellie Bird.

Our reader thinks he can work out which shift she prefers to work in order to catch criminals.

A sober reminder

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OUR tales of Justice of the Peace courts made a retired police officer recall an apocryphal tale.

Many years ago, a recidivist drunk was in the cells at the old Barrhead police office. During the night he was taken from his cell and put in the dock of the attached court, where officers pretended to be court officials and told him he was being charged with murder. They quickly found him guilty and sentenced him to life imprisonment.

As the drunk tried to comprehend what was happening, he was then told that if he gave up the booze for a week his sentence would be commuted. He gladly agreed and was released in the morning.

Dread right

ANNIE McQuiston reads that Andrea McLean, occasional host of TV chat show Loose Woman, suffered a panic attack minutes before going on air. "I know how she feels," says Annie. "I suffer exactly the same condition when Loose Women comes on and I can't find the remote."

Prince charming

A READER strolling through the Botanic Gardens in Glasgow saw a chap lying on the grass with his dog beside him, despite the temperature hovering barely above freezing point.

As he idly wondered whether the chap was ill, the prostrate man's pal strolled over and asked him if he was OK.

"Aye," the chap replied. "I'm just pretending to be deid to see if Prince here would go for help."

Learning the hard way

WE return to our stories of driving lessons. An instructor tells us he was teaching a young fellow how to reverse into a parking space when the apprentice, after completing the manoeuvre, opened the driver's door to check how he was parked.

Says our instructor: "Unfortunately he was still looking out of the door when he slammed it shut. I spent the rest of the lesson driving him to accident and emergency."

Mone and groans

BRA manufacturer Michelle Mone has said she will leave Scotland if it becomes independent. The ensuing argument among the chattering classes will inevitably be dubbed a "storm in a D-cup".

As LibDem supporter Caron Lindsay commented on Twitter: "I won't be voting for independence despite Michelle Mone's promise to leave if it happens."

And Lily Hunter mused: "Not sure why Michelle Mone is anti-independence. Surely her motto is: 'lift and separate'?"