A READER tells us of an elderly relative who was boasting to his wife about the advantages of getting on in years when they were in the queue at DIY store B&Q by brandishing his discount card for pensioners on Wednesdays.

His wife threw him a withering glance and pitifully uttered: "It's Thursday".

Mia culpa

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GLASGOW restaurateur Julie Walters, who opens her new place The Chophouse Brasserie in Merchant Square this week, is used to being confused with the popular English actress who shares the same name.

Glaswegians being Glaswegians, a number of them, when booking reservations, and hearing Julie's name when she anwers the phone, have asked her to sing Take A Chance on Me down the phone which actress Julie sang in Mama Mia.

Sadly no-one asking her has ever looked like Pierce Brosnan, the former Bond actor who appeared alongside Julie in the Abba-themed film.

Vanity unfair?

A READER in Glasgow hears a group of women discussing their boyfriends with one of them being perhaps a tad unfair when she declared: "Smug? He's so full of himself that on his birthday he phones his mother to congratulate her."

Numbers game

IT can be fun teaching nursery kids, it seems. One such teacher in Glasgow tells us she was having her class practise their numbers, and were writing out 1 to 20 in, hopefully, the correct order. Just before they started, she realised that all the numbers were on a frieze around the wall, so she told them: "Be sure not to look."

That explained why one little chap then shut his eyes and scrawled the numbers all over the page, often on top of each other, without once opening his eyes, as "you told me not to look".

Mouse trap

READER Martin Morrison tells us: "I bought a cordless mouse for my laptop last week and it's a really handy thing. But as I move the laptop around the house throughout the day, it often goes missing. I came up with a simple solution, which I intend to patent, allowing me to join the growing number of IT millionaires – attach the mouse to the computer with a length of cable."


"MY doc says I've to take up a hobby that gets me outof the pub," said the toper in the pub the other night.

"So I've taken up smoking," he added.

Hours to reason why

APOLOGIES for spelling stationery incorrectly on Friday, suggesting perhaps that Fred Goodwin's letters were unable to move. But we all make mistakes. A television worker tells us that the ITV morning show Daybreak regularly gets calls from viewers telling them that their clock is an hour slow. It turns out the viewers have forgotten they are watching the show on ITV+1.


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