INTERNET security is, of course, a growing problem, and almost daily computer users are sent warnings to avoid viruses in attachments that could harm their computers.

Only yesterday we received an e-mail which stated: "Warning. If you receive a message saying you have won two free tickets to see Rangers at Ibrox, DO NOT OPEN. You have actually won two tickets to see Rangers at Ibrox."

Beret-berry disease?

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TALKING of technology, Mike Ritchie on Glasgow's south side tells us: "A female chum leaving a wine bar after lunch realised when outside she had left her trendy black beret inside. Back inside, she explained to the waiter she needed to look for it to see if it was under a chair or a table. 'Why don't we just ring the number and we'll find it that way?' he said, helpfully."

Up there, somewhere ...

A GLASGOW couple discussing a holiday on Skye were interrupted by their 10-year-old who said that was where her best pal's dad lived. The little one's mother, who knew the parent in question, pointed out that in fact he lived in Ayr.

"Ayr, Skye, it's the same isn't it?" their little one replied.

Pint of order

OUR mention of Clydebank comedian Kevin Bridges' new series on BBC leads to a reader showing us a web page where the merits of Kevin were being discussed. Someone from Glasgow added the surreal comment: "I missed my Christmas dinner because of Kevin Bridges. I was in O'Donnell's on Christmas Eve and he asked me to watch his pint so he could go for a smoke. Three days I waited and he never came back. It was flat by the time I drank it."

What kind of fuel am I?

MUCH amusement at Scottish Borders Council this week when the Petroleum Safety Officer for the area had to take the day off work. He had to take his car to get fixed after filling the diesel-powered vehicle with unleaded petrol.


OUR tale of the girl on Facebook who admired the smell of a boy's "colon" brings forth from a reader: "Being a geriatric divorcee, I joined an internet dating website. I live in England where it's very obvious that most of the ladies on the database did not have the benefit of a 'good Scottish education'. There are some interesting spelling mistakes, spoonerisms and malapropisms, but the best, so far, is a lady whose profile name is 'Sweatlips'."

Rabbie who?

THE story of the chap in the Bahamas who thought Robert Burns blew up the Houses of Parliament has brought the sad news that even in Ayrshire of all places there is uncertainty about the Bard. Says an Ayrshire reader attending a pensioners' tenpin bowling club: "One of the guys was asking his five-year-old grandson what he had been doing at school recently. The reply was, 'Last week we had a birthday party at school for some boy called Robert Burns, but I don't know him – I think he's in the other class'."