A KILMARNOCK reader just returned from Majorca swears to us that his holiday rep told him that Irish singer Sinead O'Connor was booked into the holiday complex.

When the rep's boss saw her, he turned to the rep and told him to quickly check that the poolside quiz had no "one-hit wonders" questions that could give any offence.

Seeing clearly

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READER Margaret Thomson was in a cafe where she heard a lady tell her pal: "I've just been to the optimist. I've to get new specs."

It took all of Margaret's effort not to intervene and ask: "Rose-tinted, perhaps?"

Sweet tooth

THE news story about the woman who allegedly poisoned her milk at work to stop people stealing it reminds Raymond Lowe of when he worked at Babcock's. "I would take a two-pound bag of sugar in on a Monday and when I came in on a Tuesday, the bag was always empty. It was always thought they spent the nightshift making tablet," he tells us.

Any more workplace provisions stories?

Stage presence

AMERICAN singer/songwriter Lach, en route to the Edinburgh Fringe, tells us a woman jumped up on stage and started singing with him at a recent gig in London, only to learn later it was Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine. Says Lach: "I didn't know who she was. I thought it was the typical saloon moment when the drunk chick commandeers the microphone to get the crowd to sing Happy Birthday to her friend or some such thing. But instead she sang the chorus and I went from trying to figure out how to get her off the stage to thinking, 'Who's this chick with the incredible voice?'"

So you better be good if you want to try that at his Edinburgh shows.

Local colour

MICHAEL Grace was on a Glasgow bus on Saturday night when he heard a tipsy woman ask another: "Where's your man?"

"He's away at that music festival that's on."

"T in the Park?"

"No, not that one, the Orange walk," she replied.

Severed ties

A STIRLINGSHIRE reader tells us he was shocked when two of the oldest members of his golf club had a heated argument in the club bar, which was unusual for the pair of them.

Eventually one of them stormed off declaring: "That's it! I'm taking you off the list of people to hold a chord at my funeral!"

Two for the price of one

ALISON Brady was in Morrison's in Partick where a mother was wheeling her twins around in her shopping trolley. When she reached the checkout a wee Pertick wummin asked her: "Is that wan a thae buy one get one free offers, hen?"

Bleak outlook

IT'S St Swithin's Day on Sunday when folklore states that if it rains on that day it will rain for the next 40 days. Says a worried Andy Cumming: "I wonder if he would look kindly upon us and take 40 previous days into consideration."