ACROSS the pond, Michelle Obama and Ann Romney have been giving it their all at the Democratic and Republican Party conventions, tugging at the heartstrings, talking about love and family and the man they met at a dance or who asked them on a date all those years ago.

It's pretty mawkish stuff, although Michelle certainly had her moments. But what would your own First Lady say about you? Let's listen in, shall we?

A hush comes over the kitchen as the woman you refer to as "Management" or "the 10th floor" (depending on where you work), or occasionally "Cruella", takes the stage. Even the dog raises its head, sensing something important is about to happen. There's quite a crowd – grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbours, your brother's even flown over from Canada.

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"Good people of [insert name of your city/town/village here]. What a journey we are about to embark on [the dog starts to wag its tail at this. Presidential walkies! Cool!!]. It is going to be long and tough, full of difficulties and challenges. But I don't want to talk to you tonight about I love One Direction – oh, I'm sorry. Eilidh love, you've put one of your cards in there".

This is directed at your 12-year-old daughter who is holding up cue cards for her mother on the far side of the table.

"I don't want to talk to you tonight about some of the problems that face this great nation of ours – the parking in our city centres, different councils' recycling policies, the menace of midges. No, I want to talk to you about something much closer to my heart. I want to talk to you about the man you know as [your name is obliterated by the cry of "**sser!" as your teenage son disappears upstairs]. I want to talk to you about my husband."

All eyes turn towards you and you raise a hand in acknowledgement. You know how the Vice-President feels. It's the story of your life. Always second best. Always the running mate.

"He's the man who was there for us when the guttering needed cleaning-" Ever so slightly you puff your chest out in pride. "-and he's the man who called the man who came round and did it."

But it's too much. You're overcome with emotion. You've been to the mountain-top and seen the promised land – and now it's time to take the dog there.