A LATE-NIGHT reveller in Glasgow couldn't fault the logic of the young girl serving in the chip shop last weekend when he asked for a bag of chips and she inquired if he wanted regular or large.

Not sure of the quantities involved, he asked what the difference was.

"You get mair chips," she replied.

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You can bet on it

REGULARS in a Renfrewshire pub were passing the time of day when one chap read from his newspaper: "It says here under 'Fun Facts' that the chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery ticket are greater than your chances of winning."

As this nugget was being digested a chap further up the bar declared: "That's why I always send the wife to buy one."

Oil and water

OUR tales of rogue spelling remind Tom Inglis: "My father worked in the John Brown shipyard in Clydebank. At lunch-time, while eating their pieces, in those more innocent times, they would play I Spy.

"One of his colleagues came up with IK. After many fruitless attempts to identify this, they all gave up. The answer, triumphantly presented by the questioner, was 'Ile Kan.'"

A cover up

Asks a reader: "Why do the police always arrest folk when they are washing their hair?"

When asked for elucidation he explained: "You always see them on the news with a towel over their head."


IT'S not just new technology that baffles some folk – even old technology can appear difficult to some. Peter Alexander was having an after-work pint in a city centre bar when a gravelly voiced woman piped up, to no-one in particular: "Ho, what's the area code? I'm trying to phone a taxi from my mobile. I know Govan is 0141. But what's Glasgow?"

Life swap

"MY husband had a near-death experience at the weekend," a woman was heard telling her pals in Glasgow's west end yesterday.

"He tried to change the channel when Strictly Come Dancing was on."

Down but not out

FOOTBALL, and a fan tells us that was a shock result on Saturday for the Glasgow team which seemed set to romp through a lower division.

"So will Thistle recover from losing to Morton?" he asks.

Greasy spoon

POP-UP restaurants are proving trendy when usually young chefs open temporary eating places in empty shops and factories.

Scots comedian Janey Godley, pictured, is less impressed, however. "A pop-up restaurant in Glasgow is a burger van," she tells us.