WE mentioned the recent return of students to our universities.

A reader passes on words from one student this week: "I've got my first tutorial tomorrow. I'd better practise my intelligent face – it's been in storage over the summer."

DAVID Cameron's conference speech was being discussed in a Glasgow pub last night. Amongst the negative comments, one toper piped up: "To be fair to David Cameron, he's doing the work of two men."

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This comment surprised a few folk until the chap added: "Laurel and Hardy."

AS ithers see us. A reader in the US sends us this from his local newspaper: "Winters are fierce in Northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them.

"He asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs?'

"'Oh, they kept my ears nice and toasty warm. But on the first cold day, someone offered to buy me a drink, and, God forbid – I didn't hear him.'"

A READER tells us she had difficulty sleeping, and asked friends for tips on nodding off.

One replied: "Relaxation techniques. Shut your eyes and look at, and concentrate on, the colours of your inner space. Control your breathing while thinking of something that relaxes you – for me it is lying by a pool, my hand in the water, calm blue water.

"Or you could read JK Rowling."

MOVING house continued. An East Kilbride reader tells us their flitting had been completed, the van despatched, the house locked up, and she and her husband were sitting out in the car ready to leave when they were going over in their minds if they had forgotten anything before driving off for the last time. Suddenly hubby asked: "Where's the dog?"

Yes, the family pet they had put in a cupboard to keep it out of the way of the removal men.

OUR tale of wise words from grandparents is followed up by reader Gardiner McLachlan, who says: "It reminds me of an Ayrshire one – ye ken what thocht did? Stuck a feather in the midden and thocht it wid grow a hen."

Makes marvellous sense when you think about it.

GORDON Airs was in the bar at Glasgow Airport when he noticed that the four clocks on the wall gave the time in Glasgow, Berlin, Paris and Islay. The Islay clock was three hours behind the time in Glasgow.

Gordon was left wondering whether it was just a mistake or a subtle hint that they love to take life a little slower on the whisky island.