TEACHER tales continued.

A Lanarkshire dominie tells us he was asked last week: "Please sir, does AD mean after the dinosaurs?"

Money matters

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THE desultory conversation in a Glasgow bar at the weekend was enlivened by one chap declaring: "The wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire."

"You're lucky," said a customer further up the bar. "Mine dreams that in the daytime."

Flit happens

OUR moving stories – as in moving house – remind Graham Mcleod: "I was helping a friend move house. He'd hired a van and I was using my car as we shuttled between Yorkhill and Anniesland. After locking up the old house for the last time and arriving at the new house we were asked by my friend's wife, 'Where's Richard?'

"Richard was my friend's five-year-old son, and we both assumed he had travelled with the other person. A mad dash was made back to Yorkhill, and fortunately a neighbour had found him wandering around and took him in, so he was quite happy being spoiled by her, much to everyone's relief."

A dram nuisance

THE story of Trades House convener Colonel John Kelly being criticised for his grip despite having a hole-in-one on his first golf lesson, reminds Ian Barnett: "I was fortunate enough to get a hole-in-one at the 17th at Pollok Golf Club.

"When I put up the customary bottle, one of the old Pollok buffers came over, whisky in hand, and asked what club I used.

"Seven-iron, I told him. 'Hmmph,' he said. 'Wrong club!' And walked off."

Fare's fair

THE arrival of darker nights marks the start of many an annual dinner by clubs and charities in Scotland. Often on such an occasion, the quality of the food is discussed and sometimes criticised. But as one regular dinner-goer told us: "If you compare the food with the finest French restaurant then you're going to be disappointed, but if you compare it with what you would have got at home that night -"

Plenty more fish in the sea

A KEEN fisherman tells us his wife was complaining about all the fishing gear he had clogging up the house and garage. So he told her that if he died she could advertise his gear for sale, and with a bit of luck she might find a replacement husband among the chaps who turned up.

"No," she told him. "If he was interested in this lot then he wouldn't be my type."

Final score

FOOTBALL fans were of course gutted by the Scotland result against Wales. As one 20-year-old fan put it: "I was six the last time Scotland were in a major tournament, and I'll be six foot under the next time they make it."

Flotation tanked

AND the other football news which is still causing mirth among Celtic fans is the defeat of Rangers in their last third division game. One phoned to tell us: "Rangers Football Club has formally announced it intends to float its shares on the AIM market in London. They will be traded in euros only, as they cannot handle Stirling."