MARGERY Fee in Rutherglen tells us one pavement smoker outside a pub at the weekend was ranting that the anti-smoking lobby had gone too far by getting the Government to ban the import of ashtrays.

The smoker eventually calmed down when his fellow topers explained to him the ban in fact covered ash trees.

You're barred

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BIG cinema hit at the weekend in Glasgow was the new Bond film Skyfall. The Spanish actor Javier Bardem, pictured, playing the Bond villain, has sparked the latest 007 gag.

"I've thrown the new Bond villain out of my pub."

"Javier Bardem?"

"No, he can come back when he's sober."

Wheels on the bus ...

HOW the other half lives. An Anniesland reader away for a luxury hotel break heard a young mother in the hotel's spa flick through a picture book with her toddler son. "That's a tractor," she said pointing. "It's used on a farm."

After describing various vehicles, she turned a page and said: "That's a bus. But we don't have to worry about that. You'll never be on one."

Ruffled feathers

A BLANTYRE reader tells us he was working temporarily in Maidstone where he was recommended to visit the Early Bird pub to get a bite to eat. Not sure where he was going, he stopped and asked directions. "Do you know where the Early Bird is?" he asked.

"Probably off catching a worm somewhere," said the would-be comedian who answered.

Less than purr-fect idea

HALLOWE'EN tomorrow and a Renfrewshire reader tells us: "I dressed my dog up as a cat for Hallowe'en. Now he won't come when I call him."

And a reader angrily cries: "There should be a campaign against pumpkin lanterns and trick or treat. Horrible, horrible outrages of good old Scottish Hallowe'en."

So tell us, does anyone still carve turnips?

Sporting chance

WE asked for a Commonwealth Games in Glasgow motto, and Vince Brolly in Rutherglen suggested one which he claimed could also be used for Scotland's independence referendum.

"Scotland for the high jump," says Vince.